Some things can't fit in boxes.
Clothes, lamps and kitchen supplies...can fit in a box.
Three years of school books and homework...can fit in a box.
Pictures, postcards and other paraphernalia...can fit in a box.
Memories, experiences and relationships...cannot fit in a box.
Emotions, growth and personality...cannot fit in a box.
I recently tried to pack up my entire life and move it to another location, but I could not make it all fit. I was able to load just about everything of mine that I could see, but a few intangibles had to be left behind. Some because they were attached to things I could not take. Others because they simply would not fit in this other world.
My school is not physically very far from my home. It is actually relatively close. It is, however, psychologically and sociologically worlds away from my home town. The two are very different places. What is experienced in one place cannot be easily communicated to the other, so it must be left behind...usually.
Living this way soon becomes rather frustrating. When I first left home I was a particular person. I believed a certain way, I thought a certain way and I acted a certain way. While I was away I maintained--and even developed--some foundational elements of who I was, yet much also changed. I grew; I developed; I adapted; I became more than I was when I left. Upon return, however, it was clear that who I had become was not easily understood.
Back at home I am treated much as I was before, and why not? I am still the same person: Loving son, considerate brother and caring friend. In fact in some ways I am even more these things than before. But even in view of all the things I still am there are a few things that I am not--at least not in the way I was before.
I am not an immature, rambunctious teenager. I am not an ignorant and socially incompetent homeschooler. I am not dependent on others to take care of me and give me direction.
This is not to say that I "have arrived." I'm not saying that I know everything there is to know and understand all. I am only saying that I understand much more than I did, and I am better for it. I have grown so much over the last three years, but I had a hard time fitting it all in my parents' trunk. I will only be home for a little while, and there is no way that home can grow to understand who I am in such a short time.
For this reason I will have to wait until I have enough time to make some return trips for those things I left behind. I can only bring back what this world can hold, so I left a part of myself behind. It just wouldn't fit in the box.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Late Night With Liquid Light
It was 3AM. There were bubbles.
Soaring soapy spheres filled the room, or at least my corner of it.
Each breath produced a translucent prism that refracted light in a way that can only be matched by an oil spill at a car wash.
A rainbow of colors shifts and slides around the fragile exoskeleton of the gleaming UFOs.
The larger orbs appeared to be the most impressive to the lookers on. I, however, found the greatest accomplishment to be the capturing of small or medium sized suds for the purpose of breathing larger and more bountiful life into them. A single two inch glob would be transformed into multiple spheres, some of them even larger than the original.
The casual observers contribute coy commentary. They talk not only about the bubbles, but also about the financial state of people on the street, and the socialist implications of the latest blockbuster. Drugs--it has been decided--are not good for you. Each agrees to this proposal, though some only through their sarcastic retorts. We know that toxins alter our perceptions of the world and put everything in a distorted light.
Meanwhile the soaring beacons transfigured the luminescence of our living room lamp into a miniature Aurora Borialis. The peanut gallery gazes upon the bubbles in an entranced accord. The gliding colors enrich our resolve.
It was 3AM, and there were bubbles.
Soaring soapy spheres filled the room, or at least my corner of it.
Each breath produced a translucent prism that refracted light in a way that can only be matched by an oil spill at a car wash.
A rainbow of colors shifts and slides around the fragile exoskeleton of the gleaming UFOs.
The larger orbs appeared to be the most impressive to the lookers on. I, however, found the greatest accomplishment to be the capturing of small or medium sized suds for the purpose of breathing larger and more bountiful life into them. A single two inch glob would be transformed into multiple spheres, some of them even larger than the original.
The casual observers contribute coy commentary. They talk not only about the bubbles, but also about the financial state of people on the street, and the socialist implications of the latest blockbuster. Drugs--it has been decided--are not good for you. Each agrees to this proposal, though some only through their sarcastic retorts. We know that toxins alter our perceptions of the world and put everything in a distorted light.
Meanwhile the soaring beacons transfigured the luminescence of our living room lamp into a miniature Aurora Borialis. The peanut gallery gazes upon the bubbles in an entranced accord. The gliding colors enrich our resolve.
It was 3AM, and there were bubbles.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Reflection And Analysis
This term is coming to a close pretty quickly. I have only two weeks of classes and a few finals. May 2nd I head home.
So what has this term come to? What has been gained? What have I learned?
I've learned that I have a lot of work yet to do in the area of focusing my ideas and thoughts when presenting them to others. Part of it is just a matter of having more time to prepare my thoughts.
I've also had many opportunities to teach this term. It has been scary. BUT at the same time I have seen that--when I am well prepared--I am capable of standing in front of a bunch of students and presenting a lesson without becoming too uncomfortable. Planning, preparation and purpose--with these three things I am able to endure speaking in front of the most unresponsive audience.
My writing has improved. I have a long way to go yet, but with only a few key pieces of information my writing has easily doubled in its potency.
I have grown in my understanding of what I believe, and why I would teach.
I have grown in intelect and understanding. I have grown in my ability to ask questions (though I have only scratched the surface in that respect).
This term has given me a greater respect for myself. There are still so many areas in which I need to improve. So many things about myself I pray for God to change in me. But I have seen myself rise above the distractions to a new level of success, all by God's grace.
I came into this term seeking to work harder than any term previous. I hoped to work above and beyond my capabilities to a point which only God could bring about through me. Excellence was the goal. Not for the sake of excellence or pride, but to build my faith in my God and to present an example of what God is capable.
It was not easy. There were times when I wished I could quit or at least take a break. Yet God continued to provide strength and perseverance.
Only time will show the complete fruit of my labor. Right now, however, I know that this term has been a beneficial experience in many ways.
My gratitude to all those who have encouraged me in my academic endeavors this term.
So what has this term come to? What has been gained? What have I learned?
I've learned that I have a lot of work yet to do in the area of focusing my ideas and thoughts when presenting them to others. Part of it is just a matter of having more time to prepare my thoughts.
I've also had many opportunities to teach this term. It has been scary. BUT at the same time I have seen that--when I am well prepared--I am capable of standing in front of a bunch of students and presenting a lesson without becoming too uncomfortable. Planning, preparation and purpose--with these three things I am able to endure speaking in front of the most unresponsive audience.
My writing has improved. I have a long way to go yet, but with only a few key pieces of information my writing has easily doubled in its potency.
I have grown in my understanding of what I believe, and why I would teach.
I have grown in intelect and understanding. I have grown in my ability to ask questions (though I have only scratched the surface in that respect).
This term has given me a greater respect for myself. There are still so many areas in which I need to improve. So many things about myself I pray for God to change in me. But I have seen myself rise above the distractions to a new level of success, all by God's grace.
I came into this term seeking to work harder than any term previous. I hoped to work above and beyond my capabilities to a point which only God could bring about through me. Excellence was the goal. Not for the sake of excellence or pride, but to build my faith in my God and to present an example of what God is capable.
It was not easy. There were times when I wished I could quit or at least take a break. Yet God continued to provide strength and perseverance.
Only time will show the complete fruit of my labor. Right now, however, I know that this term has been a beneficial experience in many ways.
My gratitude to all those who have encouraged me in my academic endeavors this term.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Patience: It Takes Time
It's about time I wrote something...
Maybe when I don't have two large papers due in less than a week.
Maybe when I don't have two large papers due in less than a week.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Portals and Passageways
Doors are interesting things.
Doors say a lot about a culture, a structure, a person.
Doors are used for a variety of purposes. Some protect by keeping out while others protect by keeping in. Some are merely a visual barrier while others permit visibility. Some are always locked, some can be locked, and some never lock. Some swing, some slide, and some flap.
Doors are made of many different materials depending on the purpose and the means available to its designer: Metal, wood, glass, plastic, fiberglass, paper, fabric, rock.
Doors can also instigate emotional responses. Some doors look pleasant, or creepy, or stir memories of childhood. Some bring to mind fairy tales, fantasy worlds, or nightmares. A locked door can be reassuring or it can be deathly frightening. An open door can make you feel welcome or insecure.
Doors also hold a lot of symbolism for us. A closed door can be the end of one possibility, while an open door can be the beginning of a new opportunity. Some symbolize a transition from one way of life to another. A door can symbolize a person's character, or the state of his heart.
Doors are an every day aspect of our lives. We take for granted a great deal about doors both on a conceptual scale and on an individual bases.
What more can be said? Knock knock.
Doors say a lot about a culture, a structure, a person.
Doors are used for a variety of purposes. Some protect by keeping out while others protect by keeping in. Some are merely a visual barrier while others permit visibility. Some are always locked, some can be locked, and some never lock. Some swing, some slide, and some flap.
Doors are made of many different materials depending on the purpose and the means available to its designer: Metal, wood, glass, plastic, fiberglass, paper, fabric, rock.
Doors can also instigate emotional responses. Some doors look pleasant, or creepy, or stir memories of childhood. Some bring to mind fairy tales, fantasy worlds, or nightmares. A locked door can be reassuring or it can be deathly frightening. An open door can make you feel welcome or insecure.
Doors also hold a lot of symbolism for us. A closed door can be the end of one possibility, while an open door can be the beginning of a new opportunity. Some symbolize a transition from one way of life to another. A door can symbolize a person's character, or the state of his heart.
Doors are an every day aspect of our lives. We take for granted a great deal about doors both on a conceptual scale and on an individual bases.
What more can be said? Knock knock.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Opposing Forces
I've had friends who were choked by the expectations and needs of others.
The hands reaching out in the names of "Love" and "Care" grappling for the throat. With every move toward individuality the hands tighten their grasp, wanting only to keep things as they are. Impulsive reaction causes conformity. Act to please, talk to please, and live to please. The situation does not change.
The ruse is not difficult at first. Surely moments can be found to be one's self away from the grip. This cannot last for long. Things will change. Right?
No. Identity is formed in the mold of hands clasped tight. Life goes on dying. Conformity is accepted. This is the way things are.
Time becomes restless. At the least relaxation of the knuckle, drastic release is found. Change. Find Change! Where is it? All of it. Any of it. RUN!
Who is this? Do I know you? I remember you, but something is different; something the size of everything.
"Love" only wanted to keep safe. Was "Care" not trying to protect? Each holding tight to comfort and defend. Now one is left far away and the other right behind. Both reaching; believing they give.
Far gone. Lost in the abyss of freedom. Staying away from hands. Hands hurt. Love? Love cuts and scars. Care? Care comes with a great price. Nothing good is free, and there is nothing left to give. What can be had for nothing? This looks good.
The hands reaching out in the names of "Love" and "Care" grappling for the throat. With every move toward individuality the hands tighten their grasp, wanting only to keep things as they are. Impulsive reaction causes conformity. Act to please, talk to please, and live to please. The situation does not change.
The ruse is not difficult at first. Surely moments can be found to be one's self away from the grip. This cannot last for long. Things will change. Right?
No. Identity is formed in the mold of hands clasped tight. Life goes on dying. Conformity is accepted. This is the way things are.
Time becomes restless. At the least relaxation of the knuckle, drastic release is found. Change. Find Change! Where is it? All of it. Any of it. RUN!
Who is this? Do I know you? I remember you, but something is different; something the size of everything.
"Love" only wanted to keep safe. Was "Care" not trying to protect? Each holding tight to comfort and defend. Now one is left far away and the other right behind. Both reaching; believing they give.
Far gone. Lost in the abyss of freedom. Staying away from hands. Hands hurt. Love? Love cuts and scars. Care? Care comes with a great price. Nothing good is free, and there is nothing left to give. What can be had for nothing? This looks good.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
God's Love...Priceless
Well, that settles it. I finished my last day of classes for this term. All I have left is finals. These finals will determine the actual resting place of my grades for the term, but for the most part everything is already determined.
I made it. Everything didn't fall apart. I'm still alive, and all the projects are done. All the assignments are completed. I wouldn't say that relief rushed over me like an ocean swell. Instead I would describe it as sitting down in a comfortable chair with my feet propped up in front of a warm fire and sipping from a delicious mug of hot chocolate. It feels so good, and it has been a long time coming.
Yes, there is still a lot to do before the term is completely over and I can go home. There are finals to take. There are performances yet to come. In the midst of that, however, I can't help but see all that God has guided me through these last few months and melt in amazement and wonder at His power, planning and patience in my life.
A lot of times we talk about God's love and we describe it by talking about how He saved us from sin and death. This is a great example. Jesus even said that the greatest form of love would drive a person to go as far as to give up his life for a friend. (Which brings up another point of how great God's love is that He would lay down His life for people who were his enemies.) But I think we sometimes forget that God's love extends far beyond a salvation experience.
Our God didn't just die to give us a "get out of jail free" card and send us on our way until we die and end up at his gates. We have a God who cares about every aspect of our lives. We have a God who is concerned with our futures (not just the ultimate future of heaven or hell). This God cares about our worries and our struggles. He wants us to be successful in this life.
"Wait a minute! Did he just say that? Isn't this the guy who wrote a paper on the heresy of the name-it-and-claim-it gospel?" When I say that God wants us to be successful I don't mean it in the way the world measures success. I mean that God wants us to be able to come to the end of our lives on this earth having fought the good fight and triumphed.
Got wants us to be successful, and he knows that for us to be successful in this life we must be completely dependent on Him. That's why He can't just hand us success on a silver platter. He has to give us opportunity to see the potential for failure so that we will understand the power of His provision.
God has done so much for me over the years. I'm sure there is a lot of His work that I may never even know about, but there is so much that I have seen Him do. This term is no exception. There is no reason why everything should have happened as well as it did. None of it makes sense. Yet it happened. It all came together in a way that I could never plan.
Only He could have done it all. But why? Why would He do all that for me? I can tell you straight out, it isn't because I am anyone of particular importance. I am no perfect person or sinless saint. I made plenty of mistakes this term. All I can figure is that God wants me to be here, and He knows that I am incapable of success on my own. He loves me, and wants me to learn to trust Him at all time for all things.
I made it. Everything didn't fall apart. I'm still alive, and all the projects are done. All the assignments are completed. I wouldn't say that relief rushed over me like an ocean swell. Instead I would describe it as sitting down in a comfortable chair with my feet propped up in front of a warm fire and sipping from a delicious mug of hot chocolate. It feels so good, and it has been a long time coming.
Yes, there is still a lot to do before the term is completely over and I can go home. There are finals to take. There are performances yet to come. In the midst of that, however, I can't help but see all that God has guided me through these last few months and melt in amazement and wonder at His power, planning and patience in my life.
A lot of times we talk about God's love and we describe it by talking about how He saved us from sin and death. This is a great example. Jesus even said that the greatest form of love would drive a person to go as far as to give up his life for a friend. (Which brings up another point of how great God's love is that He would lay down His life for people who were his enemies.) But I think we sometimes forget that God's love extends far beyond a salvation experience.
Our God didn't just die to give us a "get out of jail free" card and send us on our way until we die and end up at his gates. We have a God who cares about every aspect of our lives. We have a God who is concerned with our futures (not just the ultimate future of heaven or hell). This God cares about our worries and our struggles. He wants us to be successful in this life.
"Wait a minute! Did he just say that? Isn't this the guy who wrote a paper on the heresy of the name-it-and-claim-it gospel?" When I say that God wants us to be successful I don't mean it in the way the world measures success. I mean that God wants us to be able to come to the end of our lives on this earth having fought the good fight and triumphed.
Got wants us to be successful, and he knows that for us to be successful in this life we must be completely dependent on Him. That's why He can't just hand us success on a silver platter. He has to give us opportunity to see the potential for failure so that we will understand the power of His provision.
God has done so much for me over the years. I'm sure there is a lot of His work that I may never even know about, but there is so much that I have seen Him do. This term is no exception. There is no reason why everything should have happened as well as it did. None of it makes sense. Yet it happened. It all came together in a way that I could never plan.
Only He could have done it all. But why? Why would He do all that for me? I can tell you straight out, it isn't because I am anyone of particular importance. I am no perfect person or sinless saint. I made plenty of mistakes this term. All I can figure is that God wants me to be here, and He knows that I am incapable of success on my own. He loves me, and wants me to learn to trust Him at all time for all things.
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