It's that time of year again. The time that comes twice a year, really. The time of year when I get this overshadowing feeling; the feeling that I am just about to fail every-last-one of my classes.
It happens every term. (Not failing classes, just the feeling that I'm going to fail classes.)
I have yet to fail a single class (though I have, in the past received in a class a grade that was insufficient for my major). At this stage of the game I can't afford any mess-ups. I can't take classes again. This is my last shot, and it feels like I'm going to lose.
But, again, it always feels like I'm going to lose.
It may be true that there are some areas in which I could have done much better. There are some assignments that just did not get done. There are some things that I plum didn't get to in time. It's all these little things that make me feel like everything is going to fall apart.
It is also true that there are some areas in which I have done a wonderful job. There are things I have done this term to a degree that I never would have thought possible for me. I have achieved much. I have learned much. I have grown much.
But I feel like an athlete who waited too long into the season to get things together. I am finally able to perform well, but the team has already taken too many loses. There is now no way I will make it even as far as the semi-finals. It may or may not be true, but that's how I feel.
I've come to it again. It's that time of year. It comes only twice a year, and here it is.
So, what do I do? What can I possibly do?
I keep working. I work hard. I work until I can do no more. And I trust.
I trust in Jehovah; in Jehovah-jireh (Lord will provide); in Jehovah-shalom (Lord is peace).
I repent of my laziness. I trust in the Lord. I do my best in service to Him.
If I am to succeed, it will be the Lords doing. If I am to fail, I know that I can rest in the Lord's direction for my life.
I am not dead yet. Until I am dead there will always be opportunity on this earth to serve my Lord until He comes.
Maranatha!
(Our Lord Comes!)
2 comments:
Kin,
I'll be praying for you. Live each moment for God's glory, with intention, and watch what He does with it. It really is a Wonderful Life.
Mom
Hey, I recognize exactly the strife you're talking about! Twice a year, punctually, I get that same cruel sinking feeling in my heart-- that "knowledge" (though really it is no such thing) that despite all the hard effort I have put in for 12 weeks past, and despite all the energized passion I have felt for my classes, my readings, my classmates, and my roommates... I am going to fail, and fail completely. But... faithfully, God turns what looks like a bleak void into another "successful" semester. True, things may not be what I had wanted. But they are what I can learn from.
For what it's worth... I have seen you accomplish amazing things this semester. And I and so many others know you will not fail. True, you are at that stage in the game where failure is deadly. But you are also at the stage when failure is not likely, and when gains of quite a different nature than academic (personal growth, ability to encourage others) are extremely probable. Congratulations: you did it! :)
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