According to Their Needs

As a music education major--and at one point worship arts major--you might expect the most profound and life-changing class  of my college career to have been one with a musical, education, or theological focus. But you'd be wrong...mostly.
When I look back over the last four years of my life and the changes that have taken place in me over that time, and as I notice the lessons I am still learning from things I thought I "learned" in college, the vast majority of these developments spawn from ideas that I received in--get this--speech. What does the art of orating before a crowd have to do with the development of my soul? How have basic presentation skills improved my relationships?  A lot of people could come out of a speech class with twenty more tips and tricks for fooling people into thinking you are something you aren't. I can't think of a situation where those skills have ever helped someone improve and develop as a person. If anything it helps you deteriorate on the inside while still hiding the undesirable elements of yourself.
Yet, here I am, grown and growing all because of a few simple statements I heard in speech class.
My professor was (and still is) a wise man, a fantastic father, husband, and friend (from everything I saw of him), and most importantly he was a humble servant of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He wasn't such a great man because he was perfect. He was a great man because he had failed (and he made that clear through his many anecdotes) and learned from his failures.
But what could he teach in a speech class that would be so life-changing?
Dr. Trammel didn't approach the class simply as a forum for developing orators. He approached it as a means of developing communicators. Communication is all about presenting a message that will be received and understood by the recipient, AND being ready to receive and understand the messages of others. He focused this idea down to a part of a passage in Ephesians, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (4:29 NIV). Dr. Trammel placed extra emphasis on this idea of "according to their needs." Communication isn't just sending out the message you want to send in the manner you want to send it. If you don't consider the needs of others, what good is your message to them. They may not need your message, or worse, they might need it, but not understand it.
Throughout the class, Dr. Trammel equipped us with numerous tools to help identify and address the needs of others. The majority of it has less to do with the message I want to send, and more to do with the messages being sent by others. In order to understand their needs, I have to understand them. One of the tools (the one I remember best) that Dr. Trammel suggested for that very purpose was to enter their world. Consider the other person's way of thinking; his way of life. And more than just considering it, take opportunities to live it, and join him in it. (All of this within God given limits. It doesn't do either side any good to join in the sin of the other side. We have enough of our own to deal with.) What are his interests? What is he good at? I might not give a spit about  most athletic events, but if I care about the person, and the person cares about the sport, it would be easy enough to watch a game or two with the person. I may not be very good with history (just ask my college roommate), but if the other person is all about a particular era of the past, I can spend some time listening to him share some of his unique (or at least new-to-me) insights on this thing that is so important to him.
These are just a couple examples (and perhaps weak ones). But the idea of entering their world is that of moving past our own perspective, our own interests, our own selves, and considering the interests, perspectives, and personalities of others.
Along these lines of getting over ourselves, Dr. Trammel suggested a more specific tool for developing our abilities as communicators. The scenario was one with which I was all too familiar, so I'll present it from my perspective:
I'm in a conversation with someone or a group of people as another person is relating a story of some event in their life or some accomplishment they have experienced. My natural instinct is to make a personal connection with the story. The result is that as soon as he has finished his story, I begin mine.
It seems harmless. That's what we do every day. Millions and billions of conversations are entirely made up of these back and forth anecdotes.
What my professor suggested, however, is that this form of conversation does not promote relationship or communication; it promotes me.
"Oh, that's what happened to you? Well, guess what happened to me?" "So you've done that? Well, I've done this!"
As Dr. Trammel explained this idea I knew I was guilty of that very thing. I always want things to be about me. Even if I convince myself that I just want to communicate a shared experience, the reason I want it is so that the other person will understand me. It is not out of a desire to make the other person feel understood.
Thankfully, Dr. Trammel had a suggestion for those of us who struggle with the me-mes. He said next time I was in one of those situations where I wanted to tell my story, I should ask more about the other person's story instead. "What was that like? How did it make you feel? What did you learn? Would you ever do it again? How has that changed your perspective?"
Don't make it about me. Make it about them. Enter their world. Look beyond myself. Try to understand them. Because that might just be exactly what they need.