It's that time of year again. The time that comes twice a year, really. The time of year when I get this overshadowing feeling; the feeling that I am just about to fail every-last-one of my classes.
It happens every term. (Not failing classes, just the feeling that I'm going to fail classes.)
I have yet to fail a single class (though I have, in the past received in a class a grade that was insufficient for my major). At this stage of the game I can't afford any mess-ups. I can't take classes again. This is my last shot, and it feels like I'm going to lose.
But, again, it always feels like I'm going to lose.
It may be true that there are some areas in which I could have done much better. There are some assignments that just did not get done. There are some things that I plum didn't get to in time. It's all these little things that make me feel like everything is going to fall apart.
It is also true that there are some areas in which I have done a wonderful job. There are things I have done this term to a degree that I never would have thought possible for me. I have achieved much. I have learned much. I have grown much.
But I feel like an athlete who waited too long into the season to get things together. I am finally able to perform well, but the team has already taken too many loses. There is now no way I will make it even as far as the semi-finals. It may or may not be true, but that's how I feel.
I've come to it again. It's that time of year. It comes only twice a year, and here it is.
So, what do I do? What can I possibly do?
I keep working. I work hard. I work until I can do no more. And I trust.
I trust in Jehovah; in Jehovah-jireh (Lord will provide); in Jehovah-shalom (Lord is peace).
I repent of my laziness. I trust in the Lord. I do my best in service to Him.
If I am to succeed, it will be the Lords doing. If I am to fail, I know that I can rest in the Lord's direction for my life.
I am not dead yet. Until I am dead there will always be opportunity on this earth to serve my Lord until He comes.
Maranatha!
(Our Lord Comes!)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Saturday, November 01, 2008
The Question
The question is this:
Why am I here?
In other words, why am I at Corban College studying music education?
I've already explained why I am at Corban. That is taken care of.
But why Music Education? Why would I be taking on the largest and possibly most challenging major that this school offers? (If you don't believe it is those things, then you haven't seen our class schedules.)
So why would I subject myself to this?
I can tell you why other people do it. The education program on its own is difficult. The music program on its own is difficult. Yet there are so many of these people. I could tell you why many of these people willingly subject themselves to such rigorous trials.
A few of the key reasons are as follows:
"Ever since I was little I have wanted to be a teacher."
"I had a teacher in high school who inspired/challenged me, and I want to do the same for other kids."
"I like the idea of having summers off."
All noble goals, to be sure. Well, maybe not the "summers off", but they will learn soon enough.
There is nothing wrong with many of the reasons people have for wanting to be a teacher. These just aren't my reasons. The fact of the matter is this:
I never wanted to teach other people's kids. I don't think I'm cut out for it. I haven't had any aspirations since I was a kid, let alone the desire to be a teacher. I had some excellent teachers in high school, but they didn't inspire me to become a teacher. I would love to have summers off, but that doesn't mean that teaching is for me.
And it's not like teaching is "the only thing I'm good at." Not to sound conceited, but there are so many things I could do, and do well. I am by no means limited in my abilities and options.
So why am I here? Why am I doing this?
That is the question.
The answer is quite simple:
Because He who is greater wants me to.
Because the Father of lights, from whom all good and perfect gifts come, has given me this charge; this challenge.
I knew before that God had given me a concern for the youth. And I knew before that God had given me a great gifting in the area of music. I knew that I was to be involved with young people in a way that involved music. I simply had no idea in what way or form this involvement was to take place. Then the summer before my sophomore year it hit me. It was exactly what people had been telling me over and over.
Teach.
Suddenly all the riddles made sense. Suddenly it all fell into place. This was it. This was what it all meant. I knew what I had to do.
So I am here.
I hold no expectation of success. It is not my belief that all will go right.
All I know right now is that this is where God wants me...for now.
Tomorrow everything could change. Next year God could have me in another place.
Does that mean that this is all for loss. No. Never!
This is where God wants me, and so this has purpose. God does not work without reason.
Whatever God's purpose is in all this--be it for me to teach high school choir till the day I die, or be it for me to be able to encourage other students here on campus now--that purpose is worth pursuing. Even if His purpose leads to my perceived failure...or worse, my perceived success--even so, it is well worth the privilege of walking with Him day by day down this long and difficult path.
So the question is no longer "why am I here?"
Now the question is, what would the Lord have me do today?
Why am I here?
In other words, why am I at Corban College studying music education?
I've already explained why I am at Corban. That is taken care of.
But why Music Education? Why would I be taking on the largest and possibly most challenging major that this school offers? (If you don't believe it is those things, then you haven't seen our class schedules.)
So why would I subject myself to this?
I can tell you why other people do it. The education program on its own is difficult. The music program on its own is difficult. Yet there are so many of these people. I could tell you why many of these people willingly subject themselves to such rigorous trials.
A few of the key reasons are as follows:
"Ever since I was little I have wanted to be a teacher."
"I had a teacher in high school who inspired/challenged me, and I want to do the same for other kids."
"I like the idea of having summers off."
All noble goals, to be sure. Well, maybe not the "summers off", but they will learn soon enough.
There is nothing wrong with many of the reasons people have for wanting to be a teacher. These just aren't my reasons. The fact of the matter is this:
I never wanted to teach other people's kids. I don't think I'm cut out for it. I haven't had any aspirations since I was a kid, let alone the desire to be a teacher. I had some excellent teachers in high school, but they didn't inspire me to become a teacher. I would love to have summers off, but that doesn't mean that teaching is for me.
And it's not like teaching is "the only thing I'm good at." Not to sound conceited, but there are so many things I could do, and do well. I am by no means limited in my abilities and options.
So why am I here? Why am I doing this?
That is the question.
The answer is quite simple:
Because He who is greater wants me to.
Because the Father of lights, from whom all good and perfect gifts come, has given me this charge; this challenge.
I knew before that God had given me a concern for the youth. And I knew before that God had given me a great gifting in the area of music. I knew that I was to be involved with young people in a way that involved music. I simply had no idea in what way or form this involvement was to take place. Then the summer before my sophomore year it hit me. It was exactly what people had been telling me over and over.
Teach.
Suddenly all the riddles made sense. Suddenly it all fell into place. This was it. This was what it all meant. I knew what I had to do.
So I am here.
I hold no expectation of success. It is not my belief that all will go right.
All I know right now is that this is where God wants me...for now.
Tomorrow everything could change. Next year God could have me in another place.
Does that mean that this is all for loss. No. Never!
This is where God wants me, and so this has purpose. God does not work without reason.
Whatever God's purpose is in all this--be it for me to teach high school choir till the day I die, or be it for me to be able to encourage other students here on campus now--that purpose is worth pursuing. Even if His purpose leads to my perceived failure...or worse, my perceived success--even so, it is well worth the privilege of walking with Him day by day down this long and difficult path.
So the question is no longer "why am I here?"
Now the question is, what would the Lord have me do today?
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