I'm Actually Okay With This Right Now

Regret is a difficult thing to live with. I'm the kind of person who, after one short conversation or passing comment, is likely to return to that moment over and over for quite possibly the rest of his life either thinking about how he had said just the right thing, or (and most likely) thinking about the one thing he should have said instead. Even if it doesn't really make any difference what so ever what I say, I will return to that moment from time to time and continue thinking--and some times rehearsing--what I would rather have said, or done.
Thankfully there are some decisions that one never regrets making. I mean sure there are some things that are obviously good choices. Those are not of what I speak. I'm thinking more along the lines of things that one could do or not do and, again, it might not make any difference what so ever in the long run. But from my experience of continually revisiting my past and wishing I had done things a little bit different I'm slowly learning that there are some things that are better attempted and failed than left to be a regret in the back of the mind for the rest of life on this world.
Not everything is like this. There are many things one might bring himself to do thinking that if he doesn't he will regret it, when the truth is that he will only come to regret having done it. These kind of things are not the things of which I speak. I'm referring more to the kinds of things that are described in Philippians 4:8-9. Those are the kinds of things you never regret, not when all is said and done.

"Are You Sure?"

I learned something about myself today. I learned that I've been lying to myself.
Okay, so I've known that I can lie to myself. And I've known that I'm good at it. What can I say, I guess I'm gullible when it comes to stuff I tell myself.
I was in chaple today--the theme of chapel this term is based on the beatittudes in Matthew 5 and the whole concept of "blessed" or "fully satisfied." Today was what we call a "praise and worship chapel." Usually that means that there isn't a speaker and we sing songs most of the time and maybe the chapel team leader will say a few things. Some times they have PK come up and say a few words. Today the whole theme of the chapel was this concept of being fully satisfied, and they had PK come and say a few words.
When he did come up and start talking it didn't take me very long to start thinking about things. He really hadn't said much before I thought 'huh, yeah...interesting.'
What I realized while sitting there was this:
I know that some times I think about how it might be nice for certain things to be different. I know that some times my mood is a little bit mellowed by the thought of something I would like to have.
BUT when I really think about it, I realize that I am satisfied. The fact of the matter is that today I am good with what I have today, and tomorrow I will be good with what I have tomorrow. Sure there are things that would be nice, and maybe some day I'll have those things. But I'm satisfied with what I have.
Not that I have finally reached that point in my posessions that everyone strives for. "If only I had this..." That's not it. I live each day knowing that I have all of eternity to live for. I live each day knowing that there is a God, and that he knows me, and that he loves me, and that he is caring for me every moment of my life. I live every day knowing that one day I will leave this world, and go home.
But for so long I've been lying to myself. There is always that voice inside that says 'things aren't yet what they could be, but they will be eventually. Until then you have good reason to be a bit gloomy over it. It's okay, you'll be happy eventually.' And that voice will disguise itself with all kinds of good "christian" language and use whatever it can to convince me that I'm not quite satisfied, and that it's okay for me to feel unsatisfied because I will be satisfied some day.
A nasty little bugger, that voice. It has cost me a good deal of joy over the years. Sure things aren't always going to be easy, or fun, or pleasent, or "what they could be." But they are what they are, and what they are is enough. Usually it's more than enough. I can live like that.

Can You Believe It?!?

I find them hard to believe, some of the things that happen in this life. I hear tell of a situation with this person, I read news of a terrible death there, I ocasionally notice this or that.

Some of the things I find hard to believe are, at the least, unpleasent if not out-right bad. These people are having relationship problems, this person wonders what is the point of living, and over here are some cult members, drug abusers, murderers, or such. These are people you see every day. These are people who are dealing with some Stuff. In reality we all are on this side of the spectrum at some points in our lives. Not in the same ways as all of these, but we all deal with some Stuff in our lives. Every one of us runs into some terrible, nasty stuff; wheather it is Stuff we cause or Stuff that is thrown at us. We all need help in our lives. And some times it's hard to believe just how much Stuff is going around in this world.

Some times I find it hard to believe good things that happen, or at least things that appear to be good at the time. Some times we can be fooled into thinking things are good when they aren't. There are good things, however. There are amazing things, things that I would never expect, things that make me gape in awe at the wonder and creativity of God.

I find these things hard to believe for a while. They are absolutly astounding.

And that's all I have to say about that.