Expectations are interesting things. Stereotypes create a lot of expectations.
Christmas comes with a lot of stereotypes.
(Before I go on I would like to clear something up right away: This intro could very well be a start to a complaint on the Christmas season. I've heard such things many times. The good Lord knows I've pondered such things myself. But for this post I don't want to complain about Christmas. I only want to look at some ideas, concepts, thoughts; things that roll around in my head until they come out through my fingers. That being said...)
How in the world these stereotypes come to be, I'm not entirely sure. Granted, I'm sure the stereotypes are different for different people. We all live in different cultures (even if we live in the same neighborhood). I have never seen a particular movie that some people consider to be a staple in the Christmas experience--I think it's call "the Christmas story" or something like that. You probably know the one, "you'll shoot your eye out." And I'm sure many people have never seen the musical "Scrooge".
Anyway, all this to say that there obviously are differences in our individual perceptions of Christmas stereotypes. That being said, you'll have to forgive me for only using those stereotypes of which I am most familiar. I don't claim to have an exhaustive list.
How do these stereotypes effect Christmas?
I suppose it depends on what it is and how set the person is on the exact perception of how Christmas "should" be.
I know a lot of stereotypes are chalked up to "tradition". Why do we have a tree in our living room? Because we have had a tree in our living room around this time of year every year. It's tradition. Why was it that for many years we always watched a particular Christmas movie on Christmas day? It was tradition.
Nothing wrong with that.
Sometimes, I'm sure, there are things that occur every year so consistently that--though it may not be tradition--they become somehow ingrained in the memory as a natural part of Christmas. Sometimes these things are good, and sometimes not so much.
I've heard that there are many people who find this to be a most miserable time of year because of the loss of a loved one around this time some year previous.
For some Christmas is a joyous time spent with family and loved ones. For others it is a time when they are forced to be in a building with some of the people they hate most in the world. Many of us know the stereotypes of "in-laws", and family feuds.
Then there are the Christmas images:
A bright, glimmering tree wrapped in lights and covered with ornaments. Beneath the tree a neat stack of carefully wrapped presents stands, magnificent to behold, until the eagerly awaited Christmas morning. Outside the snow sits as a cotton blanket over everything in sight. Perhaps a snow man (or woman) sits patiently amid the white landscape. In the evening carolers walk the streets, stopping at each doorstep, and sharing their Christmas cheer with every passer by.
Christmas comes one day every three hundred sixty-five. And when someone has a specific mental image of what Christmas looks like, it can very easily become a great disappointment should that image not come to full fruition. A person could spend his entire life trying to create the perfect Christmas, and in the process ruin--for himself at least--every Christmas every year.
I think Paul might have been on to something when he wrote to the Church in Philippi about the secret of being content in all situations. Of course this ought not to be mentioned without also including the end of his statement: "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." This being the key to the secret Paul speaks of. But you can look more into that for yourself.
Christmas is a good time of year. Not perfect, and not always "the most wonderful time." But it is--or at least it can be a good time.
May you all have a most joyous Christmas season!

Telegram For Mr. Smith

Why am I here? What am I doing? What could I be doing? What should I be doing? Where am I going? How do I get there? Who is going with me? When are they leaving? Are they coming back? How do I feel? Do I feel? Why do I not feel? Why do I feel? Where will I succeed? Where will I fail? Why do I fail? Why do I succeed? How long will this take?

I've been home from school for just short of a week now. I had my finals. Finished up the term. I learned a lot these last few months. And yes, a good deal of that learning was academic. It wasn't all parties and games.
Anyway, in this last week I have read an entire book (granted it wasn't a terribly large book), attended the Oregon Symphony, spent some time with my friends, lit off some fireworks, played some video games, and achieved a lot of sleep.
I know I've already written about this here before, but I would like to restate the fact that it isn't easy moving back after getting used to the life I have at school. Granted, it is a lot cheaper for me to live here. But when you get used to a lifestyle, especially a lifestyle that you have a great deal of control over, it's hard to move back into a lifestyle that has to leave room for six other people. I'm not complaining. I'm not stupid enough to not appreciate all that my family does for me. It isn't exactly a wonderful thing for them to have me living right in the middle of everything they are used to. My parents don't have to let me come home for the holidays. I know that I am blessed to have parents who want me to come home.

I must sound like a broken record. It seems like the main thing I tend to address is change. At least since going to college change has been a reoccurring theme. It's not something that I'm afraid of like people in the movies usually are. I grew up hearing all that stuff about how change isn't always bad, and how we often need to accept change. I don't really have a problem with change. I'm not saying that change is easy. It takes work and time to adjust to change. Some change is very painful.
I think there are three kinds of people:
Those who won't accept change; who try to fight change until they are either victorious or until they break down in defeat and frustration.
Those who make change what they want it to be; who accept the change and begin to use it to their own advantage, and for their own purpose.
And finally those who simply accept the change for what it is; who adjust their life to an extent so as to continue living their life as they were with the exception of the change.
I suppose there is a fourth category. Those who let the change determine who they should be, and how they should live; who go beyond the change anticipating the next change and in so doing possibly becoming the next change.
I don't think I would say that any of these types are always wrong. I do think that fighting an imminent change will probably only lead to defeat and frustration. If it is a change that should not be or is against ones beliefs, then there is a time to fight it. But come a certain point the change becomes fixed and there is nothing that one can do about it. In such a case probably the only thing that can be done is to separate one's self from the group or system in which the change has occurred.
I know people who are the type to make of the change what they want it to be. Though this is to an extent also the action of the final two groups I mentioned, I am thinking more of those people who see a situation and search through it for how to make the situation work completely to their own advantage. Perhaps they begin to make changes of their own so as to optimise the change that has occurred. This can be a good tactic, or it can be a bad one. It all depends on who it is and what their motivation is. If it is someone trying to establish a fascist dictatorship, then I think I would have a big problem with it. But it could very well be someone just trying to make the best of a bad--or even of a very good situation.
I would probably fall more into the third group. I'm not aggressive enough to optimise the change for my benefit. So long as it is an acceptable change (not to be confused with a painless change) I will tend to simply adjust my life so as to live with the change. Of course if I'd rather not live with the change, I would probably adjust my life so as to avoid the change altogether. There are times, however, when action should be taken to challenge the change--as I mentioned with the first group.
As for the fourth group, they aren't always bad either. Some times we call them inventors, dreamers, revolutionaries and artist. However, sometimes we call them communist leaders, occult ritualists, murderers and lunatics.
There are two sides to every coin.

The Question of DOOM-b

It's that time of year again! Yes, that wonderful time of year where you hear the one question that only you would know the answer to, except that you don't...well, if you're like me, you don't.
That question being "What do you want for Christmas?"

Whenever the question comes up (for birthdays as well) I usually don't have any clue what I want. So, as I've done in the past, I am going to put a list right here on my blog to make things easier for everyone. Easier for me because I don't have to remember it all at once, and I can add things as I remember. And easier for other people, because they don't have to put up with my dear-in-the-headlights reaction to "the question."

Let's begin:

1) A CD containing a recording of Mozart's Symphony No. 1 in E-flat major (If the CD has more Mozart or other classics, that's even better.)
2) Computer speakers--it would be cool to have a three piece set with a sub woofer and two desk speakers, but just the two desk speakers would do.
3) A metronome--preferably one that fits in my instrument case.
4) A pair of knitting needles somewhere in the size range of 5-8 US (Not 5-8 mm)
5) Dress shirts or polos are cool--Size Large
6) Clothes in general are usually good gifts. (This includes ties)
7) There is always room for you to be original. Just cause I didn't list it does not mean I won't appreciate it.
Ask yourself, what do you think I need? Maybe go with that.
But let me clarify right now, because I know some of my friends would consider this to be one of my needs. Please, do not try to find me a girlfriend for Christmas.

Term-ination

(Titles are really the only places in this blog where I can use puns.)

So, I've waited for just the perfect time to start really getting my act together. I've tried to do it a few other times, but it just didn't happen. And now, when most of the assignments are done, most of the test are taken, now that most all has been said and done about this term, now I finally start really getting things together. Though even now I will only get things together if I keep things going the way I have the last few days. There will likely be great consequences for my actions or lack-there-of. But perhaps if I figure out how to really study and do this whole school thing, perhaps I could at least make the terms to come worth the lesson learned this term. This term could still mean something.

This has been a term of
change
discovery
frustration
elation
learning
and learning to forget.

This term has forced me to take more responsibility,
and has forced responsibility on me.

This term has caused me to
think
focus
remember
appreciate
and realize how little I really know.

This term has forced me to forgive
others
and myself.

This term I have watched myself let go of old friends who are near by,
and hold on to older friends who are far away.

7 School days 'till Finals
11 Calender days

Kuh-Chunk!

Good afternoon ladies and gents. We ought to be landing in less than 4/3 of the hour, or 29 minutes. Upon take off you may feel some slight turbulence. Setting your seat to the massage setting could, however, minimize the effects. Of course there is always the off chance that this could also increase the discomfort of the ride. If you look out on the left wing you can wave at our pet monkey; we call him Jim-Jim. And if you look to your right you might notice that the entire right wing has been painted as a near exact replica of the Sistine chapel ceiling. Please enjoy your flight. And should you have the urge to smoke, feel free to step out on to the wing and enjoy our in flight movie "Gone With the Wind."

Hey Everyone! I know, it's been a while since my last post. But I'm still alive...I think...I mean, I'm still in this world. That's got to mean something.
I tell ya', it has been a really intense couple of months. What with work, and school, and everything else. I've been learning a lot. History, music, life, and self have all been major areas of learning for me this past few months. A lot of stuff--especially in the realm of history--I've heard before, but it never really meant anything to me. I didn't understand the point and why it mattered. So after hearing some of these things for the last 10 years it's finally making a little sense. Context my friend.
Work has been great. They've been giving me more and more responsibility. On the one hand, it can be pretty intense and at times frustrating. On the other hand, it's so much fun when everything works out. This job is definitely working on my focus. If I'm not paying attention to what's going on and what's coming up next, I could completely mess up the whole thing. So far I haven't run into any really big mess ups. I've had a mic feedback I think twice, but nothing too bad.
Well, I need to go practice some piano. I have keyboarding class in an hour.
Laters

Mind Over Matters

I haven't figured it out yet. Either it's too complex, or it's just too big. Or maybe it's too simple, or too small to pinpoint. Perhaps it's so minutely complex, or so simplistically massive that I can't seem to put my finger on it.
So then one might ponder, "why try?"
If there is no conceivable hope to understand, would it not be a blatant waste of time to attempt to comprehend? Is it a fool's errand? A pointless endeavor?
Why keep trying?
Because I want to know.
Curiosity is a...curious thing. (A redundant and obvious statement, I know.) It is our natural drive to know, to understand, to learn that of which we have no natural mental conception. It is this drive that causes us to pursue the unattainable. Even that which we perceive to be unattainable is only seen as such because it has not as of yet been grasped. There was a time when it was thoroughly believed by many that it was impossible for man to fly. And even as many attempted for years to achieve this goal, it was still widely considered to be entirely inconceivable; until that first flight at Kitty Hawk. Now we consider it a fact of life.
I may never figure it out. For all I know it is entirely impossible for me to comprehend.
However, I continue to try because, quite frankly, I can't think of much else better to do.

Addiction?

Here's one for all my college friends. You know who you are. I'm here for you.

http://www.wikihow.com/Quit-Facebook

We're all in this together. Together we can make a difference.

Hello? Is This Thing On?

I was wondering when I would see me around these parts again. Actually this blog is my home page, so I come here all the time. And I keep telling myself, 'self, you need to post some time soon. I mean just look at all the stuff that has happened since your last post. You have some many things you could write about.' But the response always comes back, 'your right. A lot of stuff has happened...and is still happening. In fact, I need to go work on some of that stuff right now.' So in the end, no post is made.
This has been a really rough month as far as...well, everything is concerned. I have such a packed schedule full of classes, activities--mandatory and otherwise, work, and friends. It's been really hard to keep up with everything. Actually, I haven't really been keeping up. It's been more like I'm tagging along just behind. Things will ebb and flow. I'll get ahead, and fall behind, over and over. I ended up dropping a class because there was just too much stuff. So I'm hoping that now I'll be able to get things caught up for good. I seriously think that I could stay ahead of the game. The only problem is that with my crazy schedule it will take some time to get to that point.
I was ahead of things at one point. Then one of my teachers switched things up and threw in a couple assignments. That then started a chain reaction leading to my falling right back behind.
The sad thing is that it's not just one class that I'm not catching on to. It's the lack of time spent working on every class that then leads to poor quality work in all my classes.
I'm not going to freak out though. That would only take more time and create unneeded stress. God can get me through this. Only God can get me through this well.

In other news, I'm really likin' my new job. I'm an A/V technician. I run sound for different events and chapel. Actually, I'm still in training. So I don't technically run it. So far I basically just help. But I think I'm picking things up fairly quickly. It's so much fun too. I think this job is a good fit for me. On the one hand it is a lot of work, it provides a challenge, it requires a good deal of focus. But it also doesn't involve a whole lot of social interaction. I don't say this to mean that I don't like being around people. It's just nice--as an introvert--to have some time in the day where I can step out of the social light and do something that I enjoy doing without using all the energy it takes for me to be in social situations. Sure, I work with people, but it's kind of different. It's hard to explain. Just suffice it to say, I like my job.

Slackerness

Starting at noon today I am going to be in three classes in a row, the third of which has requested that I bring a two page paper--of my own writing--on the importance of history in the life of a christian. As of right now I have no such paper. I know, I'm a slacker. Why am I posting on my blog right now instead of working on my paper? The answer to that is simply this, the computer is not cooperating with my thumb-drive. I started my paper and planned on finishing it during this time slot. However, once I got here I found out that this computer has decided to be really stubborn.
So, I've pretty much accepted the fact that I am not going to have a paper ready in time for the class.
Why didn't I do the paper over the weekend? Well, this was actually a really weird weekend. See, usually when people come to college they move in at least one or two days before classes actually start. No home work, nothing they need to work on right away. Just move in and get ready for the year. Well, I did that. It was great. I was ready and everything. Then I was thrown a curve ball.
I was living in one of the dorms on campus. Then probably the second day of school my room mate was offered one of the on campus apartments. So, we decided to move over there. Saturday was full of packing. Sunday was full of moving. Long story short, it was a crazy weekend, and I was very tired. I tried. I did what I could. I even have half a page done. I had a plan to finish. But life happens. No use stressing over it.
Granted, I'm sure there was probably more time this weekend than I thought. I'm not saying that this is not my fault. It is my fault. I'm a slacker. God and I need to work on that. But for now, the deed is done, and I'm willing to accept the consequences. It's only one assignment. Life isn't over. I just got to keep working, and really focus.
Laters.

My Life In A Box

Well, here I is. I'm getting ready to head out on Monday. Heading back to the big world of college. I'm excited, but I'm also very much a little worried about getting everything together. I mean, I'm sure I'll be able to survive just fine without everything that I own. I could do very well for myself without most of the stuff I end up taking. But I'm sure some of you know how it is. There's just something inside me that wants to be ready for every conceivable situation. Call me crazy.
I've just been rummaging through my entire collected life, these past couple days; going through almost everything I own. Looking through old memories, relearning old lessons, remembering old friends. All the usual stuff that happens when someone goes through his old stuff.
Of course, it makes for slow packing when everything I go through takes a few minutes to look through. And then I keep running into walls. Not physical walls, but mental ones. The one I run into the most often while packing is when I don't know what to go for next. There are a million and one things that need to be taken care of, and I can't pick which one to do first.
I'm not too worried. I know everything will come together. I just need to keep gettin' things done. I'm excited for when all this packing stuff will be over.
Laters.

The Finnish Line Is Only The Beginning

Almost there. Where? I'm not sure. Perhaps I'm just pulling into the next starting block. There is always the chance of it being the finish line. One never knows. But it looks like I'm just arriving at another beginning.
What does it mean to finish a journey anyway? Is the end of one adventure not simply the starting point of the next. We tend to measure situations by the excitement or emotion that the event brings to us. We tend to look at the events in our lives that create high levels of emotion as the only real part of the journey, or at least as the only meaningful parts.
It's kind of like a runner who lives for the feeling of running. To him, the rest of life might just seem like a pointless expanse of time which is only required because he is incapable of running non-stop. But if that's how we really see life, then we are going to spend most of our lives wishing we were somewhere else, and feeling like our lives are meaningless. However, if you were to ask someone who has made running his life's purpose, he would probably tell you that what he does while he's not running has almost, if not completely equal importance to the running itself.
What is it that an athlete does while he isn't running? He stretches, rests, eats, and gets help and encouragement from his coach and other people. If he didn't stop to do these things, his running would only get worse, he could become discouraged, and eventually he would die.
If life was just one big adventure without any change in pace, the outcome would be painful, discouraging, and disastrous. But life isn't like that. The big adventures come and go. And between those big adventures we live out some of the most important times of our lives. So why do we look at those times as meaningless, pointless, useless times that we would rather just skip.
We don't always know what's going on. And that's okay. But I think a lot of the time we just don't know that there is a point, so we don't even look. One thing leads to another and we start thinking that life is pointless, and we'd rather be doing anything else.
So I don't think that I'm losing anything as this time in my life is coming to an end. Sure there are a lot of things about this next year of school that I'm a little worried about, and there are aspects of it that make me wonder when I'll be able to move on to the next thing. But I see this as another opportunity to learn and to grow in new ways. I don't know what's going to happen, but that's half the fun.
When life is one learning and growing experience followed by another it makes everything seem so much more interesting. No two days are the same. What does God want to show you about Himself today?

My Buddy

My friends' wedding is this next Saturday. Their pretty excited. To be honest, I'm pretty excited too. Sure they are going to have a lot of rough times ahead of them, but who doesn't.
It's a crazy thing. He and I were talking not to long back when he said that he never would have thought that he would be the one to get married first. He was always the free spirited one. Not one for big responsibilities. And I was the one who lived by the book; always analyzing and second guessing his crazier ideas. It's a wonder we ever became friends to begin with. Even so, how we ever managed to stay friends is another mystery. But we did, and we are. And now he is, and I'm not anywhere close.
Of course he has matured a lot in the last few years. Now he's got himself a full time job, a home, and soon enough a wife.
As for me, I get to live the life of a vagabond. Bound to no one, and free from many responsibilities. I have no constant employment, and nothing full time. I live where I can (currently that means living with my parents while I'm not at school).
We almost switched roles, as it were. I'm sure a good chunk of it has a lot to do with each one's effect on the other. He's helped me out of my box, and I've helped him to consider things before taking action. It's a really cool relationship we have. Just the kind of thing God would put together. Like, peanut butter and potato chips.
Who woulda' thunk it?

Word To My Brothers

So, my brother is gone for a week. Well, one of my brothers at least. The one with whom I share a room, to be exact. Yeah, I have three brothers and two sisters. I have to say, it's really interesting to see how different each one is, and yet at the same time there are so many similarities. I was actually told just this evening by one of my friends that when they are around me they are able to see the connection between all my brothers. That comment caught me off guard. I wasn't sure what to do with that. So I asked what they meant.
Some of it I was able to figure out on my own. I have a nonsensical side similar to my oldest brother, and an analytical element somewhat akin to that of my next older brother. The part that stumped me was the youngest. What in the world did I have in common with him--besides the fact that he has the same hair (it's okay though, 'cause he has a completely different style.) I asked my friend where there could possibly be any similarities in our personalities. The response: his sense of humor. Maybe what she meant was the way that we can both find just about any situation humorous if we think it appropriate. I think that would be where I draw the line.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not dissing on my brother's sense of humor. He just has some development yet to go through. I can remember being where he is at humoristically. I do think though that he might not understand the whole 'appropriate time' thing. But nobody is perfect.
Anyway, it's an interesting thing to think about, the similarities and differences in siblings. I mean, I look back at my childhood, and it just makes sense that I would turn out the way I did. I can see how I could end up with those traits that are similar to my siblings--at least my older ones.
Growing up I spent a lot of time playing with my oldest brother. I don't know if he had much of it before I came along, but it seemed to me like we developed our nonsensical humor together. Really that's the only way that kind of humor works. Either it works off of what the other person just said, or it requires that the other person at least understand it. 'Cause it might not make any sense what so ever. Or it might just take a mind that is attuned to it in order to decipher it.
As far as my analytical side goes--or came, to be more precise--"I grew up with my brother". Anyone who knows my brother would understand once I give that statement. The only way to get through my childhood without legally loosing possession everything I had was to learn how to decipher my brothers words. I had to learn how to look at phrasing and search for any loopholes or technicalities that might exist. That's exactly what he did, and he was good at using it to work his way around systems. He's not evil, just very good at what he does. I don't think exactly like him. Far from it. But I know how to analyze to an extent.
Now, when it comes to my little brother I can only guess that he got it from me...or he just made it up. I'm pretty sure I did not learn it from him.

So yeah, my older brother is gone for a week. It's kinda' nice. I have yet to live in a situation where I get my own room. So I take advantage of, and thoroughly enjoy the times when my room mate is away--wherever I'm living at the time. I've been living it up this week. Staying up as late as I want, listening to music while I go to sleep, closing the door all the way at night (yeah, something about oxygen. I don't get it.) It's a good life.
I'm not sure what it would be like to have a room completely to myself. There would probably be a lot less stuff that belonged to someone else. It would probably be just as messy. Though it would be a lot easier to clean up, because I wouldn't have to wonder where something went, or if it was okay to throw something away.
Anyway, for a week I'm free. Laters.

'He loves me...He loves me not...Nope, He loves me."

It's such an odd thing. I don't feel at all like I have changed, really. And yet, I know that I have changed a lot. I mean, at the very least my ideas and perceptions have changed greatly.
It's been three months and three days since I left school. Even in that short time I have learned so much.
What have I learned?
I have begun to understand God's love for people; all people.
He's been teaching me for a long time, but this summer has been a big eye opener.
First it was just a matter of understanding--and I mean truly knowing--that God loves me. Then he began to teach me the ramifications of that. What does it mean to be truly and completely loved by God? You wouldn't believe me if I told you. But I'll tell you what, it is good.
The next thing was helping me understand that He loves other people too--everyone to be exact. It was then that he was able to help me begin to love other people too. It's hard to judge people when you look at them and think 'God loves this person'.
My biggest struggle comes when I begin judging people. I establish their faults, their shortcomings. I, in essence, decide whether or not they are good enough for me to love them. It's not something that I'm proud of, but that's basically what I end up doing. I'm sure that I am not rid of it completely yet. I probably won't this side of heaven. But God has been working in me, and He's been changing me. Like I said before, it's hard to judge someone when you think 'God loves this person in spite of anything they may have done, or may do.'
I mean, if God loves them, who am I to say that they are not good enough for my love? Any true, good and pure love that I might have to extend to others wouldn't be my own anyway. We humans don't naturally love. Not real love. We can falsify love for our own means, but selfish love is no love at all. Only God can teach us how to truly love. So any love that I could give would have to come from Him. Who am I to withhold that love from those He already loves anyway?

See, at the beginning of summer if you had told me all these things, I would have readily agreed with you. However, I probably only actually believed half of it. What one knows as truth, and what one believes in can be two very different things. There were lots of things about God that I knew were true, but I didn't actually believe it. There are probably still a lot of things that I know to be true yet don't believe. The good news is, God isn't done with me yet. I'm excited to get to know Him better over this next year.
Laters.

The Last, Best Hope For Mankind

Hope. What is it? Why do we have it? Do we have it? What does it mean?

The way our culture has come to understand hope is in the sense of a wishy washy feeling that stirs one to excitement over something they long for. It's nothing more than a wish made on a shooting star. 'I hope this will happen', 'I hope I don't have to do this', 'I hope', ' I hope', 'I hope'. Nothing solid, only the dreams of our desires. Even the 'hope' that people speak of when there is only one chance left for success--"our last, best hope"--even that is never certain (though it always seems to work out in the movies.)

I have found one place, however, where hope is not just a fantasy of the mind. The Bible speaks of the hope that we find in Christ, and in the promises of God. In Christ because he truly is the last best hope for mankind. And in the promises of God because God cannot lie. The author of Hebrews describes that hope as "an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." (Heb 6:19)
And what is the hope we find in God's promises and in Christ's salvation? Surely it is not hope for this life alone. Paul clearly says "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." (I Cor 15:19) But as God's children we are promised a place in Him both here on earth and in heaven.

We have a hope; a solid and definite hope. We have a hope in a perfect and beautiful relationship with the creator of the universe. With this hope comes great peace and joy. This is the best hope man has ever known.
So why do we christians continue to seek out these trivial wishes that we call 'hopes and dreams'. Life on this planet is hard, and so we 'hope' that things will be better just around the corner. Even for those who have a 'good life'--as some would call it--with a nice job, nice house, nice family, and all the fixings for what we as humans call 'good'--even those people have struggles that they 'hope' will disappear. I have hoped for such things. But we are told quite clearly that we will meet with trials in this life. We know that there will be struggles and difficulties. We know that we will be wronged, and that there may be nothing we can do about it.
So where should we find our hope? Should we look for it in another town? Perhaps in our next big break? Maybe in a relationship with another person? Where is our anchor? Is it on this planet? Or is it in our God and Father who not only has a place for us in heaven, but also holds a place for us in him this very day?

It just saddens me to hear and see my brothers and sisters going through life as if they don't really have any true hope. It saddens me because they have heard of the greatest, truest, most definite hope of all time, and yet they still live miserable lives, trudging along until the next best thing comes. I've seen it over and over. And I have no doubt that I'll see it many times again before my time on this planet is through.

Well, 'nough said. Laters.

Honk If You Can Understand This Post

I would like to take this time to try to explain a phenomenon that I have encountered in the last couple years. It is by no means a new phenomenon to the human race. I'm sure many have encountered it before me. But at the same time, there are probably at least a few who have never come across it.

I'm not quite sure what to call it at this point. Perhaps that will change by the end of this post.
It all has to do with movement. Not simply moving an arm, or moving your head. Rather moving your whole body to a completely different area (i.e. from my home town to Salem). New location, new atmosphere, new responsibilities, new people. In essence a completely different life. And that's basically the premise behind this phenomenon; a different life.

Let me start from the beginning.

Phase One: Development.
I grew up in one general area. I made lots of friends as well as thousands of memories. Under such circumstances one tends to adopt a particular way of life; a pattern if you will. This becomes the norm. Some of it gains the title 'habit' other aspects of it are considered part of your 'character'. Things like catch phrases and inside jokes develop.
All of this becomes a part of who I am in a sense. Granted most of these things are not really my core personality or character.
I've heard it said that a person is the sum of his experiences. I'm sure I haven't considered all the ramifications of this statement, but to some extent I think I'd agree with this statement.
Granted, I think that there is variation caused by our responses to situations. I think two people having gone through the same circumstances will still be two very different people because of how they respond to those situations. But that's not the point.
The point that I'm trying to make is that over a period of time a person, a character if you will, develops into something that is understood. However, for the most part it can only be understood within the domain in which it developed.

Phase two: Displacement.
After having gone through a great deal of development I then moved to an entirely different location. It wasn't very far from where I had grown up, but it was just far enough that I easily managed to lose most connection with the world I had come to know. I wasn't trying to cut myself off. It just happened.
So I was in a new location with new people and new experiences ahead of me. Even though I was, in a sense, the sum of my experiences, I could never effectively relate those experiences to this new environment. In order for these people to come to understand who I was they would have to experience me through the new situations that would occur in the months to come.
However, the me that they would come to know would not be the same me that my previous domain understood. For as this new domain began to understand me based on my responses to these new situations I would also be changing as I encountered these situations. In a sense I would be known as a completely different person, when in fact I was only a slightly different person.
It might be different if the cycle ended there, but that's not how cycles work.

Phase Three: Relocation.
Come the end of the school year I moved back home to my old stomping grounds. It was actually very much the same situation that occurred when I moved away to begin with. Not only did I have to adjust to this lifestyle, but I was also cut off from the second domain, and I couldn't ever effectively relate my experiences to the first domain.
The only difference was that this first domain had already known me based on previous experiences. This meant that though it could tell the differences in me, it also had a previous understanding of me to measure the changes against.

Towards the start of this post I mentioned things like catch phrases and habits. It was actually these small things that allowed me to notices that there were changes in me that couldn't easily be understood by the different domains. As I would go from one domain to the other I found that there were certain things that I couldn't take with me. Not physical things, but mental. In a sense I had to set aside certain parts of my life because they wouldn't make any sense in the new area. There were tons of inside jokes that were way outside their domain. These things could not live in such an environment. There were habits of living that weren't possible considering the physical structure of my living quarters. All these things, that had become a part of how I lived my life, had to be set aside because they meant nothing.
It was the same thing upon returning to my home town. I had to then set aside other things while at the same time picking up a few of the old things. Of course because of the changes in my life not all of the old things still fit. It's like leaving a set of clothes for a while and coming back to find that you've grown out of them.

Right now I'm thinking about how the end of Summer is coming. And when it does I will have to again set aside many of the things that have become a part of my life, and again pick up a few shreds of the life I left at the beginning of the Summer.
I am excited though, because this time I know that there are a few things that I will have to pick up when I get there. Last time I had to start from scratch. This time I will be able to build on an already existent concept.

Two Weeks Well Spent

I just got back from my camp stretch. Two and a half weeks of high school camps with less than a twenty-four hour break between the two camps. Good times.
It started with Veritas. I know I've written about that a few times. This year was different though, because I was one of the leaders. It was rough, what with the lack of sleep after living for two months on and average of nine hours of sleep every night. (yeah, I'm a slacker). It also took a lot of energy to keep up with those kids.
I was able to get to know a lot of really cool people though. At the same time I was learning all kinds of crazy things about myself. I might wright about those some other time.

Anyway, that week ended only to be followed by the next week out at Tygh Valley. I was there with four kids from my church. I was mostly just responsible for three of them. It was a lot of fun. I was able to get to know those three boys a lot better, which is really cool.
Granted, my boys weren't anywhere near being perfect angels. But that's okay, 'cause neither am I.

There is just so much that I've learned about myself this summer. I'm not sure that I could explain most of it. There might be future posts on the matter in the weeks to come.
I only have just over a month before I head back to school. I leave on the 27th of August. I'm really excited about it. I'll get to see most of my school friends again, make new memories, reminisce about old memories. It's weird, I'll probably explain the juggling act of life later, but it's something I've been thinking about for a long time.

Well, for the next few weeks I'm going to be doing a lot of the same things I was doing for the two months previous to my camp break. Laters.

'We Will Be Experiencing Some Techincal Difficulties'

I'm not sure what I'm doing. It's a strange thing. While I was at college I found myself spending too much time with other people to the point that I wasn't getting enough rest. Now I sleep way too much, and--but for my buddy Ben--I'm not spending very much time around my friends. Sure I manage to get out a little. I've been helping out with stuff at my church. But that only gets me involved with people who are older and younger than I am. Not that I don't appreciate those friendships. They are great people and I love the time that I spend with them. But it's such a shift from living around people who are just about all in the same age bracket.
As I mentioned, Ben has been around here quite often. That has helped considerably.
But I'm still not sure what I'm doing. I'm kind of in a place where I'm looking at things that I've always accepted as 'the way things should be' and asking 'is that really the way things should be'. But maybe I'm just going about things the wrong way. Maybe I'm doing the exact same thing I was before, just trying to come at it from a different angle. This is going to take a while.
Laters.

Truth Exists

I don't know what I'm going to do
In a year,
In a month,
When I'm thirty-six.
I don't know where I'm going to be:
In this state,
In this country,
Across the great blue oceans.
I don't know what's going on around me:
In politics,
In economics,
In people's lives.
There are a lot of things that I don't know.
What's most important is what I do know.
I know I'm a sinner;
Imperfect,
Unclean,
Disgusting and shameful.
I know that I've been forgiven;
By grace
From God,
Through one perfect sacrifice.
I know that I am cared for;
Eternally,
Thoroughly,
By one who knows my every need.
I know that I am heard;
Every tear,
Every word,
Every cry for joy or pain.
I know that I am loved;
Completely,
Perfectly,
Until the end of time,
And beyond.

A New Season

I'm back from school. Back in the good, ol', little, home town. I'm not even sure that last sentence made any sense.
Anyway, a lot of opportunities have opened up for me here. Mostly a lot of stuff in my church. I'm going to start running sound for Sunday services. My "training" will be this Sunday morning. I'm excited about that. It will be good to get some experience under my belt before this next school year, what with the sound tech job I'm hoping to get at school.
It also looks like I'll have a lot of opportunities to get involved in my church's youth stuff. I want to be careful with that though. I don't want to be the guy who never grows out of the youth group. I want to be involved because I think these kids need people who care about them to be involved in their lives outside of their home family--though inside the family of God. (Again, not sure if that sentence will make much sense.)
Anyway, I've got a few things lined up for me this summer. I'm looking forward to it. Maybe I'll keep you all posted. Laters.

Going Home Some Day

I'm going home.
It's true, I am going back home from college this week. I have to wait 'till Saturday because the college choir is singing for graduation. But after that's done, I'm heading home.
Finals week is almost over. I've taken all my tests. I just have to give one presentation tomorrow. Nothing terribly difficult. Friday I get to rest. Saturday I sing and come home. My freshman year is virtually over.
It's a crazy thing to think about. A kid who never thought he'd be in college has just finished his first year. It has been an interesting year. I've learned a lot: academically, socially, spiritually. I'm not the same person I was when I came to this school. And I don't want to be that person ever again. Sure there are still things about me that need to change. I'm not nearly perfect, and I won't be this side of Heaven. But I still desire change. I want to change in the right direction though.
It's hard, when you've grown up somewhere, and you have established a mentality that is attached to that place. And when you leave that place, your mentality changes and the way you view and live life changes. But when you come back it's so easy to pick up the old ways, and start living the old life as if nothing over the last few months or years had ever happened. That's the easy way to do it. The path of least resistance. Sure I can live this way here, because this is the kind of life I know here. But when I try to apply this life to that place, there are a lot of things that make it difficult.
I know it's not impossible. "For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37). It is possible, but it will be hard. The best thing I can do is continue to pursue my relationship with God. It can happen. Pray for me.
The good news is when this is all over I'm going home...my real home.

To Now, Tomorrow, And The Rest Of Forever. Cheers!

I've tried posting twice in the last three days. Neither of those times really happened.
Anyway, I'm doing pretty well these days. I mean, other than the fact that I have a three to five page argument paper rough draft due in three days, an exam that same day, two concerts coming up (band/orchestra on the 20th, and choir on the 27th--both Fridays), and a pretty good size project due in three weeks that really needs to be started as soon as possible...other than that, I'm doing great. Really, those things don't get me down. I mean, that's just a part of the life God has me living. No need to get freaked out about it. At the end of it I'll be in Heaven no matter what happens. So, I might as well live like it.
Granted, I probably need to get myself a little more motivated in all these projects that I have. It's not that I am drudging the projects. I'm actually very excited about them for the most part. That's the nice thing about college, you get to work on the things you love doing and study the things your interested in. Even in classes like speech and writing you can turn the focus of your projects toward things that your interested in.
The class I'm not looking forward to is social studies. History: I just don't get it. I'm not good at the 'names & dates' game, and I have no idea what the social-economic implications of the Soviet revolt were. (and, no, I don't know what the Soviet revolt was, or if there ever was one)
Yeah, I know, some of you are thinking 'this kid is in poor shape'. Pretty much. Like I said, I'm not looking forward to it.
I am, however, looking forward to music history. The cool thing is music history actually takes the place of the the usual world history class taught at my school. After writing my research paper on music in the church I am quite excited about music history. That class should be able to give me a better idea of the development of music in the church, and how it affected and was affected by the culture around it. Oh yes, it should be very interesting.

Is It Plagurizing If I Don't Cite God As The Source?

He did it. God did it again.
Today I needed to have all fifteen pages of my rough draft written out for my college writing class. As of yesterday morning I had a total of five pages. As of last night at 3:30 AM I had all fifteen pages. God did it again. He gave me ten pages in one day. That's as much as the largest paper I had ever written 'till yesterday.
It continually amazes me how simply the solutions come when God provides them. Of course there are times when God uses a lot of complex circumstances to bring about a solution. But what I'm talking about is how often times when I try and I try to solve a problem on my own things become so complicated and it only gets harder and harder without any completion. Yet so many times when I have depended on God everything has come together perfectly and in good time, and the solution was so much more simple. This is not to say that it is easy. Having faith is no easy task. Trusting in God is not always an easy thing. It was especially difficult early on in my relationship with God. Over time, however, I began to see many of the things He had been doing in my life, and many of the things He had accomplished. And at the same time it became more and more easy to trust God in all kinds of situations.
I'm still working on trusting Him in all things. I still struggle in this area, but God and I are working on it.
Praise the Lord!
Laters.

Paper In A Bucket

Today was an alright day. My keyboarding class is usually a little depressing(that's piano keyboard, not computer keyboard) but other than that, I had a great day. It was a little different. Usually I'm really busy from morning 'till night. Today I didn't even get up 'till Ten O'clock. My ten thirty class (the first one I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays) was canceled. This is why I was able to get 7 and a half hours of sleep last night.
Yesterday I took three naps. And these weren't my usual 10 minute power naps; these were the full on hour to two hour naps. Three of them. I've been needing that for a long time.
I also had two exams yesterday. The first was in my Bible survey class. I'm pretty sure I did really well on it. I knew most of the answers. How much better can it get? The second was in college writing. It was a "works cited" exam, making sure we knew how it worked and the format to use. I aced that one, and I'm not even a big English/writing buff. I guess when it comes to absolutes, formulae, and standard formats I can pick it up pretty quickly. Anyway, I passed.
I'm still staring down the barrel of a fifteen page paper. Sure, I have five pages of it, and The last one and a half to two pages is supposed to be the conclusion, but I still haven't cited many sources. I guess I'll get there. When it comes to writing papers for me, there is no doubt that anything good--or at the very least complete--is a gift from God. Some of you readers may remember the thanksgiving week fiasco last school year(Sunday, November 27, 2005). When I had my ten page research paper all written out, but the the floppy disk I had it saved onto stopped working. Yeah, I don't like research papers. But if that's what God has me doing, that's what I got to do. The good news is, once I am done with it, I'm done with it.
Today I had my usual Thursday classes (aside from the one that was canceled). Three classes, 12-6PM with a one hour break between each class. At six I had to book it from my last class over to another building so I could help set up a sound system for an event that was going on this evening. It was part of a class assignment.
For my tech class I have to help set up and run a sound system four times, run a light board twice, and run a video/visual system twice. I've now completed three of the sound requirements as well as one of the lighting requirements. It's a really neat class.
I'll admit, I've been really worried and freaked out by a lot of things that "need" to happen. Deadlines can be killer--pardon the pun. But even amid the chaos and frustration God has given me a lot of peace this year. It's been really cool to see him working in my life. I'm excited to see what He does about all these assignments, cause I know there is no way I can do any of it without Him.
Well, I'm sure I'll be better prepared for God to use me if I get some sleep. So, I'm going to get on that. Laters.

I Like Tooooo...zzzzzzzz

This was a really good week. The wether might have had something to do with it, but I think most of it had to do with the low stress level. Granted, there were things that needed to be done, and in a timely manner, but it all worked out.
I'm now at the part of the year where all the assignments spread out and things aren't as crazy. I don't know if it's a music major thing, or if it's just my particular schedule, but these last two terms have been the same in this respect: It starts out easy, get's really busy for about a month, then everything eases up through the rest of the term. Even my finals week isn't that intense. That's what you get when a lot of your classes are based on performances. All those performances happen the couple weeks before finals, and those are done I'm done.
This term I have a band/orchestra concert on April 20th, and choir concert on April 27th--both Fridays, both at 7:30. (like how I made that smooth plug ;-))
I think the mass social life is wearing me down. I'm the kind of person that likes to be around people, but needs some alone time. It's been hard to get much of that alone time what with all the stuff going on here at college. Aside from my busy schedule there are also all the activities--scheduled and unscheduled--that keep me moving. I don't try to do everything. There are pleanty of activities that I don't really want to go to (e.g. winter formal, roomies, schivalry dinner). But even when I'm not doing everything, I'm still doing a lot of things. Especially random stuff with small groups of friends. There are quite a few groups that I hang out with, and that leads to me not spending much time with myself.
This might contribute to my ever tired state. I'm sure it does. I spend so much energy on people that when I am finally alone I crash. Problem is that usually when I am alone I need to be getting school work done. The other problem is that sometimes my body doesn't wait for me to be alone before crashing. I've been caught more than once with my eyes closed in class. I wouldn't say that I was sleeping, but I might as well have been. My mind has had a hard time keeping up with all that the teachers are saying some times. It's really kind of sad, cause I like my teachers, and I'm interested in what they have to say. But I'm not able to focus enough to understand them. It's not like this happens every day and every class. I've still been learning a lot. And I have had some more focused days. There are just a few very unfocused ones as well.
I guess the point is, I need to make more me time. And by 'me time' I really mean 'me and God time'. Isaiah 40:30-31. I just have to put my hope in the Lord.
Well, I guess that's all for today. I need to get working on my paper that's due Monday. God bless. Laters.

E-K-C-I-T-E-M-I-N-T

I would like to bring your attention to the front. Observe the object before you. This is a one of a kind antique heirloom of king Henry the First. Keep watching as I push it off the table ever so carefully so as to hopefully watch it shatter as it collides with the ground. See it float gracefully toward the floor. In one fatal instance its introduction to the ground causes it to lose all stability, structural and otherwise.

I'm pretty excited about a few things right now:

This Friday is Hymn Fest 2007. It's this cool thing the music department at my school does every year. It's held at a church in the area. It's all hymns, the orchestra plays, the choir sings and everyone in the audience gets to sing along. I would be in the choir, but I was asked to play my trumpet. I'm pretty excited about that.

I had an exam today that I wasn't sure how I'd do. Unlike most of the exams I've taken in the particular class, however, I knew--and I mean I really KNEW a lot of the answers. I got 102% on the exam.

Tomorrow I have an exam in my Worship Tech class. The exam is this. We are provided all the equipment needed, and we have to assemble a sound system. Everything from microphones and tape decks to speakers, and it all has to work. I think I understand the equipment well enough to do a good job in good time. I'm actually really excited about it.

For those of you long returning readers who recall "Veritas" (Monday, July 18, 2005) (aka Summer seminary) this will make sense. I have been invited to be a leader's assistant for Veritas this Summer. I was hoping that I would be able to do this. My hope is that I will be able to play a part in making this year as meaningful for at least one youth who comes as it was for me. Summer seminary played a huge role in my social and spiritual development. And it means that I'll be back in these dorms again this Summer. Hehe, and now I know the people on security. That's right Bekah, I'll be back. Mua Hahahaa.

Other than that, lots of stuff going on. God continues to teach me, and I continue to be really confused though greatly blessed.
'Till next time. Laters.

Music...It's One Of The Reasons I'm Here.

So I'm coming to the recovery point of my crazy last couple weeks. There have been a lot of really positive things that happened this week. I've been practicing my trumpet and piano every day. My tone on my trumpet is getting so much better. A year ago I would never have thought that I could play this well. But the Lord has blessed me this year. He has given me the will and determination to make the time to practice--usually somewhere between 9 to 12 PM.
For keyboarding class I'm working on the part of the Moonlight sonata. It's coming a long pretty well. I think this piece is really helping me to work on playing while looking at the music and not so much at my hands. I usually just play parts of a piece over and over until it's memorized then memorize the next part until I have the whole piece memorized. So far I do not have this song memorized except for one or two chunks of the piece. Yet, I've just about got the whole piece down.
That last paragraph may not have made a lot of sense to a lot of people, but the point of it was; I'm getting much better at piano.
I didn't spend much time...okay, I didn't spend any time this last week on my vocal stuff. And that's not a good thing, 'cause I'm taking voice lessons...and paying for them too, ugh. Today my voice teacher said that he felt like I hadn't been practicing as much as I had the week before, and that he could tell cause all the ground that had been gained last week had been lost this week. All that to say; I really need to practice my vocal stuff more.
Tonight I have a rehearsal with a band that's going up to Washington this weekend. We have a gig up there. I'm pretty excited about that.
Right now I need to go eat dinner. laters.

*Sung* I've Been Workin' On My Home Work

It's been a pretty crazy last couple weeks.
The week before this last one I went on my college's music tour. 150 students, a handful of chaperons, two vans, three trailers, one small bus with a wheelchair lift, and one mondo big bus. Four days--Thursday through Sunday. Seven performances in all. Three schools, three churches, and one retirement home. Jacksonville, Medford, Ashland, Roseburg, and a couple other towns. I was playing trumpet, singing in the concert choir, men's choir and chamber choir. Set up and take down six times (twice a day for three days). It was intense.

Then this last week I had to give a speech. Technically it was supposed to be ready by Monday in case my name was drawn, but it wasn't ready. Yet, for some reason the Lord spared me. Enough people signed up to give their speeches that day that I didn't have to give mine. Come Wednesday my speech still wasn't quite where I wanted it to be, but yet again enough people signed up, and the Lord spared me Wednesday. Come Friday only two of us were left that had to give their speeches. Thank the Lord mine was ready by then. I still don't know if it was too long or not, but it went over pretty well.
Monday the teacher for my writing class didn't show up. So when Wednesday came around and I didn't have my outline for my paper ready to turn in (because all my time had been devoted to my speech), the Lord spared me yet again by delaying the due date on the outline. It would have been delayed till Monday, except that there is no school Monday. This gives me plenty of time to do some research so I'll have an idea of what my outline should look like.
I didn't deserve any of this. It would have been completely right for me to have been caught each and every time, and for my grade to have been docked for it. For a while I couldn't decide whether it was just God showing his love for me and that He's here for me, or if he is just delaying my punishment until I am so far behind that I will really learn my lesson. But then I realized it could very well be both. He is showing me that he cares about me and that he knows what I'm going through and how I feel about all this stuff, and that He's here for me. But if I don't learn my lesson now, it will eventually get to a point where I will be caught, and it will be all my fault.
I wrestled with this whole thing. I'm still wrestling with it in a way. I mean, like I said before, I deserved to be graded down. Some teachers wouldn't even have allowed me to make up the ground if the assignment wasn't done. But God didn't put me in classes with those teachers. He put me right where I am. And He has been watching over me.
It drives me crazy. Why? Why would He do that? I had no right to be spared. I deserved to fail. And yet, when I called on His name He heard my cry. I hear my friends talk about their impossible teachers. My friends who work hard and get their assignments done early and well. And yet they have teachers who tear them apart and leave them feeling more abused than educated. Why couldn't God have spared them? I'm sure He could have.
But each of us has our own lessons to learn. Not necessarily academic lessons. But lessons in patience, trust, hope, peace...etc. Lessons in the things of the spirit.
Please change me God.

Sleepy Time

Earlier today
My mind was going a mile a minute and still wasn't going fast enough.
Earlier today
I was racing against dead lines chasing after finish lines.
Earlier today
I was wasting maybe too much time.
Earlier today
I couldn't find enough time.
Earlier today

Now
I'm slowing down.
Now
I'm falling to the ground.
Now
My time is gone and never coming around.
Now
I'm going to go to bed and fall into deep, sweet sleep.

But What Will I Wear?!?

You know those things that you always thought, or still think that you would/will get away from after high school. I'm sure the list is different for everyone. Some people probably want to get away from their families, some from their town, and some just want to get away from specific peers who annoy or abuse them. The trouble is, even though you can leave one culture for a new one, all across the world man is still the same. No matter where you go there will always be those people who get on your nerves, or who will try to abuse you. People are people, and people are fallen, messed up, broken beings.
The thing that brings this up isn't a problem that has to do so much with people. Right now I'm thinking of something that I probably could get away from if I went to live in a different enough culture. School formals.
In high school I never went to them...okay, that's not true, and you can find my posts to prove it. I only went to my Junior and Senior year proms. But going into college I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to worry to much about that aspect of our society for a while--especially going to a christian college. Well so much for that.
March 3rd, Winter Formal. Woo hoo. (that's a very droll and sarcastic 'woo hoo' in case you couldn't tell) I knew from the moment I saw the first advertisement that I wasn't going to go. But, as always my friends seem to think that I just need a big enough nudge in the right direction. There is one guy I know who told one of our mutual friends that he wouldn't consider going unless I went. He must have caught on early to the fact that I was serious when I told them I wasn't going to go. Smart guy. So what does our mutual friend do? She starts working on me; trying to convince me that I'll be missing something, or that she could find someone for me to take, or that I need to go for some reason. I don't blame her. She just doesn't understand what I mean by "I'm not going to go". And she probably thinks she's trying to help me.
At lunch today the subject came up. Our mutual friend wasn't there, but the other guy was(we'll call him James), and this other other guy('Fred') was trying to help us through our "problems". First it's the financial (that was the excuse James was riding on), then it's the confidence ('it's not that hard to ask a girl'), then it's the tactics ("Ten steps to getting your dream date for the big night"). I kept telling him 'it has absolutely nothing to do with any of that'. He kept asking me to explain what it was. I told him "It's psychological. I can't even explain it to you. I've tried before, but people just don't understand." Well, all I got from that was a jesting "you should pay a visit to such-and-such, the psych teacher". After a while I figured out what it was: He thought I had a problem. So I told him, "I don't have a problem, so why are you trying to fix it as if I do?"
The conversation didn't go anywhere after that. Just a few circles around topics that were already covered.
But here I am, still hashing my way through this social bog of people who seem to think there is something wrong with a guy that doesn't jump at the chance to dance with a girl. But I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I'm just patient.

Bad Kin!

I have a confession to make. Today I had four assignments due for four of my classes (that's one assignment for each class), but I was only able to turn in two of them.
I know, I'm ashamed of myself. I almost wasn't able to turn in both of the two that I did turn in. The second one I typed up literally 15 minutes before the class started.
I have no good excuse. No deaths in the family--that I know of. No major injuries. Not even some deep spiritual calling that kept me too busy to work on these assignments. I just simply allowed myself to become way too distracted.
It wasn't like I blatantly threw away my time. It was just little bits of time here and there, but it was a lot of little bits. I slacked off cause I didn't really want to start the assignments. It's strange how easy it is to convince yourself that you can spare some time for something when you really don't want to be doing something else.
So, I finally hit the wall. yesterday I spent all my time either in classes, the library, or working in a quiet room. I didn't even work in my dorm room cause I would probably just fall asleep.
This is going to be a tough term in a lot of ways. I've been learning a lot about myself. I recently realized that I am a terribly self absorbed individual, and that I don't know how to love people. I need a lot of help from God...I never didn't need a lot of help from God. In fact I need God to do everything if I'm going to change, cause I have already found that I'm not able to do it. I keep realizing that I'm messed up, and I keep wanting to change, and people keep telling me "at least you realize that you have a problem. that's more than a lot of people realize." I've heard that one a lot. And yet, here I am, still the sinful, self absorbed person I was a month ago, six months ago, a year ago, three years ago. I just keep running into the same wall. I need God to change me, cause I'm tired of being this person.
Pray for me?

Float, Soak, And Hold On For Dear Life

There are some things in life that I figured I would never have the opportunity to do; things that--in some way unknown even to myself--I kind of always wished I could do. Some of them I didn't even realize that I had always wanted to do it until I had already done it. Others I had known all along that I wanted to do it some day, but that it wasn't likely to happen.
Right now I can think of three of those things.
1: I always wanted to make a raft type structure and float on a river or stream or some chunk of water. It was my Huck Finn fantasy. Who wouldn't want to make a raft out of a bunch of debris and float around on it with pole in hand, pushing yourself along. Well, I wanted to. I'd tried to get some friends to help me achieve this goal, but that never panned out. Probably because they didn't realize this was such a big deal to me. That's okay, they weren't that interested, that's there loss. Well, I was finally able to achieve this dream a couple summers ago while working at a camp. We played this night game where there were two teams and we had to put a raft together out of a bunch of junk. We then had to get it to float all the way across the creak and back with everyone on the team sitting on top. If anyone fell off at any point the whole teem had to start over at the first bank. My team...was close to winning. Then people started falling off, and everyone gave up. I was still on top. So I just kept floating around. I went all the way across and back and had a grand ol' time. It was great. Dream complete.
2: This is going to seem really strange, but even though I always figured that I would never be able to go to college--let alone want to go to college--I figured that if I did go to college, I would have to get the full experience of working in the school dish room. That's right, I had a dream to work in the dish room of a college cafeteria. If my dad reads this, he'll probably think I'm a little crazy, but that's nothing new. Well, here I am at college, and I work in the dish room on Friday and Sunday evenings, AND I'm the janitor on Saturdays. Point made. Dream complete (or in the process. I still have to keep from getting fired ;-)
3: This is something I never knew that I wanted to do. I mean, I kind of always thought it might be fun, but it wasn't at the top of my list of things-to-do. However, tonight I found out just how much fun mechanical bull riding can be. That's right, I rode the bull, and I gave him a run for his money. The first time I got on it was pretty intense. There were a couple times I thought I was going off. So I just dug in and held on for dear life. I did alright...and then slid off. But the SECOND time it went on and on until I realized that it wasn't going to get any harder. So, I just slipped right off. It actually looked pretty cool. I just spun off the front of a moving bull. Dream complete.
'Nuff said.

The Agitator

I feel like typing.
Right now I'm sitting in the lobby of a dorm that is not my own. I don't usually spend much time in other dorms. (And just for clarification, I'm in a guys dorm, not a girls.) The reason I'm here is very interesting. Two words: Family Feud.
Monday night my dorm (being a dorm with a guys wing and a girls wing with a lobby in the middle) had a dorm meeting. In that meeting we played family feud.
With that much information one could deduce a lot of bad possible outcomes.
We played guys against girls. The stakes: Laundry room all week (we usually trade off every other day), lobby use after midnight all week (again, usually a trade off thing), and a pizza party on Thursday.
Now things are probably clicking. Have you figured out why I'm here?
Well, the guys lost the "feud". That was Monday. Now it's Saturday. Tomorrow is Sunday. I only have one pare of Sunday pants.
The conclusion: I'm here doing laundry. As we speak my clothes are spinning around and around in a pool or water and suds. And I'm sitting here killing time.

*tap, tap, tap* "Concert 'A', Please."

Some times I wonder, 'what's all this going to come to?', 'how's this all going to turn out?', 'years down the road will what I did today even matter?'
Of course all of these thoughts aren't in context of "The Big Picture". Rather they are thoughts more closely related to things like my studies, my hobbies; the things I research because I have to, and the things I look into because I want to. All this knowledge I'm gaining, will I ever use it for anything more than what I'm doing right now? Or will it be the stuff that I'm still doing twenty years down the road? And am I going to even like doing it twenty years down the road?
Then that brings up another question: Does what I'm going to like doing even matter? God called lots of people to live entire lives doing things that they didn't like doing. Just cause I enjoy doing something doesn't mean that's what I've been 'called' to do. So, it's back to square one.
Then there is the matter of gifting. I've been gifted in these areas. It would be a shame to waste those gifts. There must be some reason I have them. So, I might as well pursue the areas I'm gifted in.
Ah, but here is the thing that I've come to find out about myself: I am a surface level natural at most things. This means that I have the ability to pick things up fairly quickly (not always right off the bat, but with a short amount of time), but I don't usually hold on to them for very long. I learn the basics, and I become capable of doing a decent job. But it rarely gets much better than that. I reach a goal in that area, and then I move on to the next skill. Jack of all trades, master of none.
This leaves one to wonder: Is there any one area in which I am gifted? Is there anything that I can really pursue?
I don't know. I have absolutely no idea. That's why I'm here. I'm just going to grab hold of something that I never thought I could have, and I am going to chase it as far as I can. My whole life I never thought I would pursue anything in the field of music. I knew that I wouldn't be able to "make it big". So, I just played at my natural basic level.
Then at some point I decided it was time to focus on something. No more jumping around from project to project; skill to skill. It's been interesting and difficult. I'll be holding on and doing a good job sticking to my guns. Then something will come up, and I'll get side-tracked on some new thing for a bit. But I'll catch myself and get back on track with my practicing.
It's a strange thing, something I've never thought about before. Throughout my life I've tried many skills, and lots of different types of projects. But the skill I always come back to is music. There are tons of different things that I've done once and never really cared to do again. I put together a 500 piece puzzle once by myself. I then thought I'd do another, but that didn't happen. I realize puzzle-putting-together (is there a word for that, cause I couldn't think of one) isn't much of a skill, but that's just my mind set about projects. I do one and learn what it takes to do it until it's done. Then I think 'maybe I'll do another one of those some time', but I never do. I don't usually go back to that kind of project ever again.
I've come back to music though. I keep coming back to music. It seems like when ever I start to lose my desire to keep learning music something happens that brings me right back.
Maybe I am on the right track for my future. Even if tomorrow I wanted to be an astronaut, chances are the next day I would be, yet again, thrilled with the idea of being a musician.

This Is College

Yay! I made it through my first day of classes for this term. Actually that's not very hard. All you have to do is show up and listen to how hard the rest of the term is going to be. Actually that is kind of hard cause it can be rather depressing. You come to realize very quickly that you are going to have absolutly no life what-so-ever for the next four months. woo hoo. 8>q Oh well. I wanted to have some responsibility after that long break. Now I have it.
My books didn't cost very much this term. $170, oh yeah. There's one guy in my hall who only had to purchase one book for the term. It cost him like $50. But hey, I'm not complaining. Some people drop as much as $600+, maybe even up to around a grand on books alone. Of course you can always sell the books back at the end of the term. But they only sell for practically pennies. That's business for you. Oh well, the point is this term I came out pretty good.
Tomorrow I have three classes, but the teacher is gone for two of them. I think I heard that a student was going to run one of them regardless, and I'll show up for the other until I know for sure that nothing is going to happen.
Our band and choir are going on tour in February. We'll be gone from the 7th through the 11th. It should be interesting. We are going to have about two performances a day. One performance at a school in the morning, and one at a church in the evening every single day. I've been told that it's not that hard. Hopefully my lips agree. Playing trumpet two performances a day is kind of rough. But it shouldn't be anything compared to the Saturday when we had two performances of both the concert band and Handle's Messiah. That was really rough, but I managed to do a decent job. Anyway, I'll be skipping school for a week, so that's kind of cool. Though that means I'll have a lot of catchup work to turn in the day I get back.
Well, I got to catch some shut-eye. Laters.

*Welcome to College. If you will check in your life at the door, you may proceed to pick up your assignments at the front desk. And remember, "We don't care if you have fun, so long as the work gets done." Thank you.*

Umm...Yeah.

I don't know what to say. I'm going back to school on Monday. Enjoy the clock in the corner.

New Years Resolution

It's a new year. A year with so much potential; so much possibility. A new chance at a fresh start.
Says who? It would be great to be able to say 'this is my opportunity to start all over again, and to make things right, and, and, and.' The idea of new beginnings and fresh starts is a nice idea. But answer me this: What makes January 1st a better point to start these "new beginnings" and "fresh starts" than any other day in the last month, or the last year. Just because the new calender is a little cleaner than the old one, does that make this year any "fresher" than the last.
Here's a thought: Perhaps the reason that many people drop their new years resolutions within the first two months of the year is because they had to pick the resolution that wasn't important enough to start the week before new years. If it were something that were important enough for the person to follow through with then it was probably something that they started before new years came around. Anything else is probably just digging toward the bottom of our priority barrel for something to throw out there at the party. Sure it may be something that you would really like to happen, but it's obviously not high enough in the priorities to have started sooner. Granted, there are those of you who do go through with the resolution, maybe it was even a difficult one to maintain. Kudos to you.
I don't mean to be a downer on the holiday. I only mean to be realistic. And the reality is, there is a benefit and a good purpose to this holiday. New years is a time to look back over what has happened. There may not be a point in trying to fool yourself into thinking that January 1st of 2007 will change everything that was wrong with 2006. But it is a good time to look back over the past year and consider what happened. Think about the things that you've come through. Look at the work that God has done in your life in the past year. Remember the friends who have come and gone. Remember the blessings of the past year, and look forward to the blessings of the next.
2007 may not be any better or any worse than 2006, 2005 or any other year. Yeah, today can be a fresh new start, but so can tomorrow, and the day after that, and the month after that, and the year after that. Any day can be a fresh start; a new beginning. It all depends on what you want to do with it, and whether or not you are willing to make a change.
God bless. And happy new year.