Reflection And Analysis

This term is coming to a close pretty quickly. I have only two weeks of classes and a few finals. May 2nd I head home.
So what has this term come to? What has been gained? What have I learned?
I've learned that I have a lot of work yet to do in the area of focusing my ideas and thoughts when presenting them to others. Part of it is just a matter of having more time to prepare my thoughts.
I've also had many opportunities to teach this term. It has been scary. BUT at the same time I have seen that--when I am well prepared--I am capable of standing in front of a bunch of students and presenting a lesson without becoming too uncomfortable. Planning, preparation and purpose--with these three things I am able to endure speaking in front of the most unresponsive audience.
My writing has improved. I have a long way to go yet, but with only a few key pieces of information my writing has easily doubled in its potency.
I have grown in my understanding of what I believe, and why I would teach.
I have grown in intelect and understanding. I have grown in my ability to ask questions (though I have only scratched the surface in that respect).
This term has given me a greater respect for myself. There are still so many areas in which I need to improve. So many things about myself I pray for God to change in me. But I have seen myself rise above the distractions to a new level of success, all by God's grace.
I came into this term seeking to work harder than any term previous. I hoped to work above and beyond my capabilities to a point which only God could bring about through me. Excellence was the goal. Not for the sake of excellence or pride, but to build my faith in my God and to present an example of what God is capable.
It was not easy. There were times when I wished I could quit or at least take a break. Yet God continued to provide strength and perseverance.
Only time will show the complete fruit of my labor. Right now, however, I know that this term has been a beneficial experience in many ways.
My gratitude to all those who have encouraged me in my academic endeavors this term.

Patience: It Takes Time

It's about time I wrote something...
Maybe when I don't have two large papers due in less than a week.

Portals and Passageways

Doors are interesting things.
Doors say a lot about a culture, a structure, a person.
Doors are used for a variety of purposes. Some protect by keeping out while others protect by keeping in. Some are merely a visual barrier while others permit visibility. Some are always locked, some can be locked, and some never lock. Some swing, some slide, and some flap.
Doors are made of many different materials depending on the purpose and the means available to its designer: Metal, wood, glass, plastic, fiberglass, paper, fabric, rock.
Doors can also instigate emotional responses. Some doors look pleasant, or creepy, or stir memories of childhood. Some bring to mind fairy tales, fantasy worlds, or nightmares. A locked door can be reassuring or it can be deathly frightening. An open door can make you feel welcome or insecure.
Doors also hold a lot of symbolism for us. A closed door can be the end of one possibility, while an open door can be the beginning of a new opportunity. Some symbolize a transition from one way of life to another. A door can symbolize a person's character, or the state of his heart.
Doors are an every day aspect of our lives. We take for granted a great deal about doors both on a conceptual scale and on an individual bases.
What more can be said? Knock knock.

Opposing Forces

I've had friends who were choked by the expectations and needs of others.
The hands reaching out in the names of "Love" and "Care" grappling for the throat. With every move toward individuality the hands tighten their grasp, wanting only to keep things as they are. Impulsive reaction causes conformity. Act to please, talk to please, and live to please. The situation does not change.
The ruse is not difficult at first. Surely moments can be found to be one's self away from the grip. This cannot last for long. Things will change. Right?
No. Identity is formed in the mold of hands clasped tight. Life goes on dying. Conformity is accepted. This is the way things are.
Time becomes restless. At the least relaxation of the knuckle, drastic release is found. Change. Find Change! Where is it? All of it. Any of it. RUN!
Who is this? Do I know you? I remember you, but something is different; something the size of everything.
"Love" only wanted to keep safe. Was "Care" not trying to protect? Each holding tight to comfort and defend. Now one is left far away and the other right behind. Both reaching; believing they give.
Far gone. Lost in the abyss of freedom. Staying away from hands. Hands hurt. Love? Love cuts and scars. Care? Care comes with a great price. Nothing good is free, and there is nothing left to give. What can be had for nothing? This looks good.

God's Love...Priceless

Well, that settles it. I finished my last day of classes for this term. All I have left is finals. These finals will determine the actual resting place of my grades for the term, but for the most part everything is already determined.
I made it. Everything didn't fall apart. I'm still alive, and all the projects are done. All the assignments are completed. I wouldn't say that relief rushed over me like an ocean swell. Instead I would describe it as sitting down in a comfortable chair with my feet propped up in front of a warm fire and sipping from a delicious mug of hot chocolate. It feels so good, and it has been a long time coming.
Yes, there is still a lot to do before the term is completely over and I can go home. There are finals to take. There are performances yet to come. In the midst of that, however, I can't help but see all that God has guided me through these last few months and melt in amazement and wonder at His power, planning and patience in my life.
A lot of times we talk about God's love and we describe it by talking about how He saved us from sin and death. This is a great example. Jesus even said that the greatest form of love would drive a person to go as far as to give up his life for a friend. (Which brings up another point of how great God's love is that He would lay down His life for people who were his enemies.) But I think we sometimes forget that God's love extends far beyond a salvation experience.
Our God didn't just die to give us a "get out of jail free" card and send us on our way until we die and end up at his gates. We have a God who cares about every aspect of our lives. We have a God who is concerned with our futures (not just the ultimate future of heaven or hell). This God cares about our worries and our struggles. He wants us to be successful in this life.
"Wait a minute! Did he just say that? Isn't this the guy who wrote a paper on the heresy of the name-it-and-claim-it gospel?" When I say that God wants us to be successful I don't mean it in the way the world measures success. I mean that God wants us to be able to come to the end of our lives on this earth having fought the good fight and triumphed.
Got wants us to be successful, and he knows that for us to be successful in this life we must be completely dependent on Him. That's why He can't just hand us success on a silver platter. He has to give us opportunity to see the potential for failure so that we will understand the power of His provision.
God has done so much for me over the years. I'm sure there is a lot of His work that I may never even know about, but there is so much that I have seen Him do. This term is no exception. There is no reason why everything should have happened as well as it did. None of it makes sense. Yet it happened. It all came together in a way that I could never plan.
Only He could have done it all. But why? Why would He do all that for me? I can tell you straight out, it isn't because I am anyone of particular importance. I am no perfect person or sinless saint. I made plenty of mistakes this term. All I can figure is that God wants me to be here, and He knows that I am incapable of success on my own. He loves me, and wants me to learn to trust Him at all time for all things.

It's A Wonderful Strife

It's that time of year again. The time that comes twice a year, really. The time of year when I get this overshadowing feeling; the feeling that I am just about to fail every-last-one of my classes.
It happens every term. (Not failing classes, just the feeling that I'm going to fail classes.)
I have yet to fail a single class (though I have, in the past received in a class a grade that was insufficient for my major). At this stage of the game I can't afford any mess-ups. I can't take classes again. This is my last shot, and it feels like I'm going to lose.
But, again, it always feels like I'm going to lose.
It may be true that there are some areas in which I could have done much better. There are some assignments that just did not get done. There are some things that I plum didn't get to in time. It's all these little things that make me feel like everything is going to fall apart.
It is also true that there are some areas in which I have done a wonderful job. There are things I have done this term to a degree that I never would have thought possible for me. I have achieved much. I have learned much. I have grown much.
But I feel like an athlete who waited too long into the season to get things together. I am finally able to perform well, but the team has already taken too many loses. There is now no way I will make it even as far as the semi-finals. It may or may not be true, but that's how I feel.
I've come to it again. It's that time of year. It comes only twice a year, and here it is.
So, what do I do? What can I possibly do?
I keep working. I work hard. I work until I can do no more. And I trust.
I trust in Jehovah; in Jehovah-jireh (Lord will provide); in Jehovah-shalom (Lord is peace).
I repent of my laziness. I trust in the Lord. I do my best in service to Him.
If I am to succeed, it will be the Lords doing. If I am to fail, I know that I can rest in the Lord's direction for my life.
I am not dead yet. Until I am dead there will always be opportunity on this earth to serve my Lord until He comes.
Maranatha!
(Our Lord Comes!)

The Question

The question is this:
Why am I here?
In other words, why am I at Corban College studying music education?
I've already explained why I am at Corban. That is taken care of.
But why Music Education? Why would I be taking on the largest and possibly most challenging major that this school offers? (If you don't believe it is those things, then you haven't seen our class schedules.)
So why would I subject myself to this?
I can tell you why other people do it. The education program on its own is difficult. The music program on its own is difficult. Yet there are so many of these people. I could tell you why many of these people willingly subject themselves to such rigorous trials.
A few of the key reasons are as follows:
"Ever since I was little I have wanted to be a teacher."
"I had a teacher in high school who inspired/challenged me, and I want to do the same for other kids."
"I like the idea of having summers off."
All noble goals, to be sure. Well, maybe not the "summers off", but they will learn soon enough.
There is nothing wrong with many of the reasons people have for wanting to be a teacher. These just aren't my reasons. The fact of the matter is this:
I never wanted to teach other people's kids. I don't think I'm cut out for it. I haven't had any aspirations since I was a kid, let alone the desire to be a teacher. I had some excellent teachers in high school, but they didn't inspire me to become a teacher. I would love to have summers off, but that doesn't mean that teaching is for me.
And it's not like teaching is "the only thing I'm good at." Not to sound conceited, but there are so many things I could do, and do well. I am by no means limited in my abilities and options.
So why am I here? Why am I doing this?
That is the question.
The answer is quite simple:
Because He who is greater wants me to.
Because the Father of lights, from whom all good and perfect gifts come, has given me this charge; this challenge.
I knew before that God had given me a concern for the youth. And I knew before that God had given me a great gifting in the area of music. I knew that I was to be involved with young people in a way that involved music. I simply had no idea in what way or form this involvement was to take place. Then the summer before my sophomore year it hit me. It was exactly what people had been telling me over and over.
Teach.
Suddenly all the riddles made sense. Suddenly it all fell into place. This was it. This was what it all meant. I knew what I had to do.
So I am here.
I hold no expectation of success. It is not my belief that all will go right.
All I know right now is that this is where God wants me...for now.
Tomorrow everything could change. Next year God could have me in another place.
Does that mean that this is all for loss. No. Never!
This is where God wants me, and so this has purpose. God does not work without reason.
Whatever God's purpose is in all this--be it for me to teach high school choir till the day I die, or be it for me to be able to encourage other students here on campus now--that purpose is worth pursuing. Even if His purpose leads to my perceived failure...or worse, my perceived success--even so, it is well worth the privilege of walking with Him day by day down this long and difficult path.
So the question is no longer "why am I here?"
Now the question is, what would the Lord have me do today?