Confessions of a Silent Witness

Today's thoughts come a little late (I may have been half-marathoning season nine of Doctor Who yesterday), a little uncertain, and very much targeted at myself.
Confession time: I don't like being up in front of people. Offer me a stage, and I will more than likely turn it down for work in the sound booth. Suggest me for a leadership role, and I will gracefully decline for a support role. As long as there is someone else who is equally or better suited for the task, I gladly deffer to him or her. These are the confessions of a performer, teacher, orator, actor, and occasional leader.
I don't ever feel like I need to be the center of attention, or that I am the person best equipped to be in charge. In fact, I take a great deal of joy in doing my best work to help others accomplish their goals, dreams, and visions.
But I grew up on the stage. My Mother had me performing for audiences from a young age. With practice I improved in my ability to appear calm and move on with the show. So I can sing, I can act, and I can deliver a rousing speech (especially if someone else has written a rousing speech for me to deliver). Even still, if I think that I don't really need to be up there, then I usually won't be.
The same philosophy applies to interactions with crowds. I don't want to be the center of attention, and so I contentedly stick to the fringes where I can see and hear and enjoy the crowd without imposing my consciousness upon it.
With this in mind it will probably come as no surprise that I, for most of my life have ascribed to the evangelical camp of, 'I am going to live my Christian life without foisting religious conversation on the people around me.' The statement is something like this, and I've heard it maybe a hundred times with slight variations, "I just want to let people see my faith by how I live." That was me. Even when in high school I could look around and see that there was something I understood, something I had that others needed, I was too shy, too scared, and uncertain where or how to begin to share my faith...so I didn't. I just lived it...I think.
Before I step up onto a soapbox (the same one I will be using to beat myself over the head for quiet some time, no doubt) let me make one thing clear. As followers of Christ, the world ought to be able to see our faith in our actions. If they are watching, they should be able to notice and sense a difference in us; especially in regards to our hope, peace, humility, confidence, repentance, and forgiveness. They kind of expect us to be "holy" and "righteous", but what they really notice is when we follow through with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. We absolutely ought to be living out our faith. James makes it clear that faith that doesn't produce action is dead. And certainly, there are numerous stories of people coming to Christ because they noticed how someone lived their faith.
An active faith is essential. But speaking is an action too.
Again, I am saying these things to myself first, because I'm still trying to figure this out and work past my own fears. But that's just it. So many of us use this excuse of solely living out our faith without verbally sharing it not because that is what we have been called by God to do, but because we are afraid to do otherwise. It is fear that motivates our silence, not faith.
But let me back up. Though I began with much this same evangelistic strategy, I have noticed more and more the prevalence of the same method among Christians in my life, and with each encounter I have become increasingly troubled by it. Especially as I have moved into leadership roles where I worked with youth much like my younger self. For years now these statements of living a silent gospel have grated at my heart, causing me to be simultaneously frustrated with these young people and angry with myself for living the same way. This weekend part of this issue finally clicked.
I was listening to a radio program where a group of young Christians were talking about various things in life. Suddenly one of the young ladies used the phrase, "I feel like more people are going to notice me just for being different." My mental response--and again, this is me talking to myself, not necessarily this young lady--was, "what makes you think so many people are interested in how you live your life? Why do you think everyone is watching you?"
The answer probably stems back to standard paranoia. They are always watching...
But seriously, what is it about this bloggy, vloggy, twitter infested, facebook wallpapered culture that makes us think that so many people are so closely scrutinizing our lives that we don't have to be overt about what really matters?
I'm not saying it is time to go out and do some Bible bashing among the heathen. James tells us to be quick to listen and slow to speak. But God doesn't tell us to be silent about his good news. There should be balance in everything. We must live love, but we must also speak truth. The two are not mutually exclusive. They both originate from God. They are two parts of the same thing, and we see them beautifully unified in the life of Jesus.
We have the most wonderful news in all the world. Why do I find it so hard to talk about? I'm still trying to figure out how to have those conversations. I pray that God would give me the wisdom to know how and when, the boldness to step out, and the love for others that would drive me to break through my fears and to speak in faith.