Let me just say, I love the life God has given me. As I near the completion of my third decade, I can look back on a life that has had ups and downs, laughter and tears (though more often tears of laughter), a few trials, and boatloads of blessings. Most importantly I can look back and see the handy work of my amazing God, even (and especially) in those moments when I was much less than amazing (which was the vast majority).
Now I'm here, living in a beautiful place, with a wonderful community, working with students whom I love, and taking life one day at a time with my precious God. It is a good life.
So why do people keep treating me like some poor soul on his deathbed; praying for a cure and suggesting remedies; all the while trying to console me, to convince me that I'm going to pull through?
The answer is quite simple. I suffer from the condition sola vitae, or, as it is better known, Singleness.
It seems overly-dramatic to compare singleness to a fatal disease. Yet, the attitude people bring to it is strikingly similar. Most people who have it fight, pray, and work to find a "cure." But what I find more interesting is the way people react when they find out that you have it.
I'll be honest, I don't know how to talk with someone who is dealing with some life altering and/or potentially terminal illness. It isn't that I don't have some ideas. I could just be with them, sitting silently. Or I could talk with them about other things. Better yet, I could talk with them about their illness and the struggles they deal with physically, mentally, and emotionally. What I don't know is how this particular person would respond to each of these approaches. People are different. What one person needs is not the same as another person. Ultimately I just end up feeling unsure and uncomfortable about the whole thing.
When it comes right down to it, most people don't know how to interact with singleness. They are unsure and uncomfortable with it; especially in the Church. (This is not to say that the Church is worse than the world. Only that the world doesn't see singleness as a problem but rather a solution. The world promotes complete autonomy while tending to your "physical needs" any way you want and can. The Church, on the other hand sees marriage as a beautiful and desirable thing created by God, and part of the intended flow of life.)
Don't get me wrong. I still have great relationships with people in my community. The Church can interact well with single people. It is the condition of singleness itself that makes things awkward. Do you talk about the single life? Do you avoid it as a touchy subject? Do you offer advice? (Most people take the third option...because they have been their, and they have the solution.)
I don't say any of this in bitterness. It is too funny for me to be upset about it. Let me tell you why.
I have heard for years (a lot of years) that you just can't understand the challenges of being married, or being a parent until you actually have been there for a while. For this reason, I make it my policy to not offer advice in these areas (though I would be glad to discuss the issues especially in the context of what God says in scripture). Even so, there are still plenty of single and childless people who insist that, "when I get married I will never...", or, "we just wouldn't fight about that," or, "if you just did this with your child it would solve everything." And how do the married parents respond?
Depending on the person, the day, and how many straws they have left, they may smile and nod. But they might just as easily unload a large helping of, "who do you think you are, and what do you know?!"
My point is that the stereotype is set. People outside the situation always think they have the solution. (This does not, by the way mean that people outside the situation are always wrong. Sometimes they have a point. I know of at least two single guys in the Bible who taught some powerful stuff on marriage.) We recognize that the single person is not really in a position to tell the married couple how it should be done. And married people see and feel that.
What we are slower to recognize is that the couple who got married by the age of 20, might not have all the answers for the God honoring singleton of 30. So when I get well meaning advice on "how to get the girl," I just smile and nod. Bless their heart.
Of course part of the issue is a matter of perspective. There is some notion that singleness is a negative thing. As if you can't be happy without that other person in your life. Or you can't be fulfilled, or accomplished. Or maybe it is a sign that you just aren't living the life that God wants you to live. If you had, you would have met and married your spouse by now.
So then they start trying to console you (this is even more hilarious than giving you advice). They tell you stories of other people who found love later in life. Or they might spout off some statistics about how this generation on average is getting married later. Almost as if to say, "there is something wrong with you, but you can feel okay about it because they are just a few years out from discovering a cure. You are going to make it." Bless their hearts. They mean well. They really do.
Here is what you need to know. It is okay to be single. There is nothing wrong with it. Just as there is nothing inherently "right" about being married. Some people are not meant to be married to each other. Marriage is not inherently good, and singleness is not inherently bad.
Is singleness hard and challenging? Yes.
Is marriage hard and challenging? YES!
Marriage is not a solution to fix a singletons problems. Just as God doesn't think divorce is a solution to fix all of a married persons' problems.
Do singles need encouragement and reassurance? Sometimes, yes. But not all the time. Could you imagine what would happen if every time someone told me they were married I responded with, "don't worry, it will get better"? Just because someone tells you they are single, does not mean they need a pep talk. So maybe wait until the person is actually feeling sick before you send the "get well soon" card.
Last of all, you need to know that God knows what he is doing with us. God has a plan for you in your marriage, and God has a plan for us in or singleness. It may not last forever. But that's not the point. The point is that right now God has work for us. Singleness is not a stage in life to begrudge. It is a time to embrace as we walk with God in the good works he has prepared in advance for us to do. If I had found that special someone back when I first wanted to, I don't know that I ever would have done half of the things I have accomplished in the last ten years. Are there other opportunities that I could have had as a married, family man? Yes, and those are valuable and important too. But that wasn't what God had planned for me for that time in my life. So next time you are talking with someone who says they are single, don't say "sorry." Say "thank you." Because God is using them to build up his Church. (Though if they aren't doing anything to build up the Church, tell them to get off their lazy spiritual butts, get off ChristianMingle, and get to work serving others.)
Hi, I'm single, and I'm okay.
Would I like to one day be married and have a family? Yes.
Is it possible that my incredibly shy and generally friendly nature keeps me from being "aggressive" in the dating world? That is a distinct possibility, but I'm still pretty sure I have been doing the right thing in following God's plan for me so far.
Remember, singleness is not a disease. It is a calling. Don't waste it. Don't belittle it.
And don't even think about pulling my plug!
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