Regret is a difficult thing to live with. I'm the kind of person who, after one short conversation or passing comment, is likely to return to that moment over and over for quite possibly the rest of his life either thinking about how he had said just the right thing, or (and most likely) thinking about the one thing he should have said instead. Even if it doesn't really make any difference what so ever what I say, I will return to that moment from time to time and continue thinking--and some times rehearsing--what I would rather have said, or done.
Thankfully there are some decisions that one never regrets making. I mean sure there are some things that are obviously good choices. Those are not of what I speak. I'm thinking more along the lines of things that one could do or not do and, again, it might not make any difference what so ever in the long run. But from my experience of continually revisiting my past and wishing I had done things a little bit different I'm slowly learning that there are some things that are better attempted and failed than left to be a regret in the back of the mind for the rest of life on this world.
Not everything is like this. There are many things one might bring himself to do thinking that if he doesn't he will regret it, when the truth is that he will only come to regret having done it. These kind of things are not the things of which I speak. I'm referring more to the kinds of things that are described in Philippians 4:8-9. Those are the kinds of things you never regret, not when all is said and done.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Friday, February 08, 2008
"Are You Sure?"
I learned something about myself today. I learned that I've been lying to myself.
Okay, so I've known that I can lie to myself. And I've known that I'm good at it. What can I say, I guess I'm gullible when it comes to stuff I tell myself.
I was in chaple today--the theme of chapel this term is based on the beatittudes in Matthew 5 and the whole concept of "blessed" or "fully satisfied." Today was what we call a "praise and worship chapel." Usually that means that there isn't a speaker and we sing songs most of the time and maybe the chapel team leader will say a few things. Some times they have PK come up and say a few words. Today the whole theme of the chapel was this concept of being fully satisfied, and they had PK come and say a few words.
When he did come up and start talking it didn't take me very long to start thinking about things. He really hadn't said much before I thought 'huh, yeah...interesting.'
What I realized while sitting there was this:
I know that some times I think about how it might be nice for certain things to be different. I know that some times my mood is a little bit mellowed by the thought of something I would like to have.
BUT when I really think about it, I realize that I am satisfied. The fact of the matter is that today I am good with what I have today, and tomorrow I will be good with what I have tomorrow. Sure there are things that would be nice, and maybe some day I'll have those things. But I'm satisfied with what I have.
Not that I have finally reached that point in my posessions that everyone strives for. "If only I had this..." That's not it. I live each day knowing that I have all of eternity to live for. I live each day knowing that there is a God, and that he knows me, and that he loves me, and that he is caring for me every moment of my life. I live every day knowing that one day I will leave this world, and go home.
But for so long I've been lying to myself. There is always that voice inside that says 'things aren't yet what they could be, but they will be eventually. Until then you have good reason to be a bit gloomy over it. It's okay, you'll be happy eventually.' And that voice will disguise itself with all kinds of good "christian" language and use whatever it can to convince me that I'm not quite satisfied, and that it's okay for me to feel unsatisfied because I will be satisfied some day.
A nasty little bugger, that voice. It has cost me a good deal of joy over the years. Sure things aren't always going to be easy, or fun, or pleasent, or "what they could be." But they are what they are, and what they are is enough. Usually it's more than enough. I can live like that.
Okay, so I've known that I can lie to myself. And I've known that I'm good at it. What can I say, I guess I'm gullible when it comes to stuff I tell myself.
I was in chaple today--the theme of chapel this term is based on the beatittudes in Matthew 5 and the whole concept of "blessed" or "fully satisfied." Today was what we call a "praise and worship chapel." Usually that means that there isn't a speaker and we sing songs most of the time and maybe the chapel team leader will say a few things. Some times they have PK come up and say a few words. Today the whole theme of the chapel was this concept of being fully satisfied, and they had PK come and say a few words.
When he did come up and start talking it didn't take me very long to start thinking about things. He really hadn't said much before I thought 'huh, yeah...interesting.'
What I realized while sitting there was this:
I know that some times I think about how it might be nice for certain things to be different. I know that some times my mood is a little bit mellowed by the thought of something I would like to have.
BUT when I really think about it, I realize that I am satisfied. The fact of the matter is that today I am good with what I have today, and tomorrow I will be good with what I have tomorrow. Sure there are things that would be nice, and maybe some day I'll have those things. But I'm satisfied with what I have.
Not that I have finally reached that point in my posessions that everyone strives for. "If only I had this..." That's not it. I live each day knowing that I have all of eternity to live for. I live each day knowing that there is a God, and that he knows me, and that he loves me, and that he is caring for me every moment of my life. I live every day knowing that one day I will leave this world, and go home.
But for so long I've been lying to myself. There is always that voice inside that says 'things aren't yet what they could be, but they will be eventually. Until then you have good reason to be a bit gloomy over it. It's okay, you'll be happy eventually.' And that voice will disguise itself with all kinds of good "christian" language and use whatever it can to convince me that I'm not quite satisfied, and that it's okay for me to feel unsatisfied because I will be satisfied some day.
A nasty little bugger, that voice. It has cost me a good deal of joy over the years. Sure things aren't always going to be easy, or fun, or pleasent, or "what they could be." But they are what they are, and what they are is enough. Usually it's more than enough. I can live like that.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Can You Believe It?!?
I find them hard to believe, some of the things that happen in this life. I hear tell of a situation with this person, I read news of a terrible death there, I ocasionally notice this or that.
Some of the things I find hard to believe are, at the least, unpleasent if not out-right bad. These people are having relationship problems, this person wonders what is the point of living, and over here are some cult members, drug abusers, murderers, or such. These are people you see every day. These are people who are dealing with some Stuff. In reality we all are on this side of the spectrum at some points in our lives. Not in the same ways as all of these, but we all deal with some Stuff in our lives. Every one of us runs into some terrible, nasty stuff; wheather it is Stuff we cause or Stuff that is thrown at us. We all need help in our lives. And some times it's hard to believe just how much Stuff is going around in this world.
Some times I find it hard to believe good things that happen, or at least things that appear to be good at the time. Some times we can be fooled into thinking things are good when they aren't. There are good things, however. There are amazing things, things that I would never expect, things that make me gape in awe at the wonder and creativity of God.
I find these things hard to believe for a while. They are absolutly astounding.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Friday, January 25, 2008
God Has An Accent
This particular post is going to be centered around a concept that I have described in a previous post. I can't seem to locate the exact post from among the myriads of posts I've published on this here blog. But I know it is in there somewhere.
The concept I speak of is the effects of reading upon my personal use of language. By this I mean, how what I read effects the way I talk and the way I write.
To use the examples from the previous post on this subject: when I read abstract and absurd works I begin talking and writing in abstract and absurd ways (more than usual). When I read poetry I write more poetically.
And when I read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn--like I am right now for my history/American literature class--I have a tendency to talk(at least while no one is listening) like Huck. Granted, I don't find the n word flying out of my mouth. But the dialect becomes the medium through which my thoughts pour out.
I was thinking about this while I was walking along today. This was just after I had spent over half an hour reading Huck Finn. I like reading out loud, especially when it's something--like Huck Finn--that gives me the opportunity to try out some different accents. So as I'm walking along I have this accent fresh on my tong. I also like thinking out loud when I'm by myself. So I was thinking about this whole concept that I've been describing to you. And I thought:
'When ever I have been reading, I have a tendency to think, talk, and write like what I've been reading. When I read Huck Finn, I think, and talk like Huck Finn...' and so on as I have described already. This next part, however, is something very interesting that caught me by surprise. 'So if I want to be thinking, talking, and writing about the things of God, what book do I think I should be reading?'
........
Did you see what happened there? Yeah, I got myself good.
But seriously, It's an interesting thought.
Somewhere in the course of last term I was trying to figure out where in the Bible I should read next. I had been through the new testament a few times in the previous years. I had gone through the epistles more than a couple times, and some more than others. I could go for another round, but I thought that I needed to be somewhere else.
Now usually when you think 'Old Testament' you don't think a whole lot of life changing practical application. Sure there is a lot of amazing stuff about our Awesome God. But there isn't very much direct instruction for the church.
Anyway, I started in Judges.
Somewhere around the middle of the term I was reading through first or second Samuel. During this time I was noticing in my life that even though there wasn't a whole lot of drastically life altering practical application stuff (at least that I could see...I still haven't taken Bible study methods) I could see in my life the effect of reading continually about my God and the way he works in, and through, and in spite of people. Simply keeping my mind on the things of God, that's all it was. And that makes a difference.
I need to keep reminding myself of that. In all this hurry to keep up with my studies, and all the moving about and endless days, I want to remember who I live for. I want to remember who it is that makes life worth living. I want Him to be in my thoughts, and in my words, and in my deeds; all of them.
I'm not perfect--not even close. But He hasn't given up on me, and He finishes what He starts.
The concept I speak of is the effects of reading upon my personal use of language. By this I mean, how what I read effects the way I talk and the way I write.
To use the examples from the previous post on this subject: when I read abstract and absurd works I begin talking and writing in abstract and absurd ways (more than usual). When I read poetry I write more poetically.
And when I read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn--like I am right now for my history/American literature class--I have a tendency to talk(at least while no one is listening) like Huck. Granted, I don't find the n word flying out of my mouth. But the dialect becomes the medium through which my thoughts pour out.
I was thinking about this while I was walking along today. This was just after I had spent over half an hour reading Huck Finn. I like reading out loud, especially when it's something--like Huck Finn--that gives me the opportunity to try out some different accents. So as I'm walking along I have this accent fresh on my tong. I also like thinking out loud when I'm by myself. So I was thinking about this whole concept that I've been describing to you. And I thought:
'When ever I have been reading, I have a tendency to think, talk, and write like what I've been reading. When I read Huck Finn, I think, and talk like Huck Finn...' and so on as I have described already. This next part, however, is something very interesting that caught me by surprise. 'So if I want to be thinking, talking, and writing about the things of God, what book do I think I should be reading?'
........
Did you see what happened there? Yeah, I got myself good.
But seriously, It's an interesting thought.
Somewhere in the course of last term I was trying to figure out where in the Bible I should read next. I had been through the new testament a few times in the previous years. I had gone through the epistles more than a couple times, and some more than others. I could go for another round, but I thought that I needed to be somewhere else.
Now usually when you think 'Old Testament' you don't think a whole lot of life changing practical application. Sure there is a lot of amazing stuff about our Awesome God. But there isn't very much direct instruction for the church.
Anyway, I started in Judges.
Somewhere around the middle of the term I was reading through first or second Samuel. During this time I was noticing in my life that even though there wasn't a whole lot of drastically life altering practical application stuff (at least that I could see...I still haven't taken Bible study methods) I could see in my life the effect of reading continually about my God and the way he works in, and through, and in spite of people. Simply keeping my mind on the things of God, that's all it was. And that makes a difference.
I need to keep reminding myself of that. In all this hurry to keep up with my studies, and all the moving about and endless days, I want to remember who I live for. I want to remember who it is that makes life worth living. I want Him to be in my thoughts, and in my words, and in my deeds; all of them.
I'm not perfect--not even close. But He hasn't given up on me, and He finishes what He starts.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Garbage Dump
I would like to take this moment to establish the fact that I am not completely, though entirely, insane. Thank you.
Yeah, I'm not sure what it means either.
Let's see what's in the news.
City boy learns that one man's garbage really is another man's gold. It seems that while young Alex Douglas was playing with a few of his friends in the ally behind his New York apartment, where he lives with his mother and 5-year old sister, he happened upon a solid gold book end. The owner of the high price paper-weight claims that he didn't realize this nick-knack was of any real value. He simply assumed that since it's matching counterpart was no where to be found, there was no point in keeping the piece of junk around. "When I found it among my wife's things in the attic" recalls the 73-year old widower Hank Schoune "I figured it was just as much useless junk as the rest of her things. She was a terrible pack-rat, don't you know. She kept every little trinket she came by."
As far as the fate of the bookend is concerned, Hank has decided that Whiteney Douglas--Alex's mother--probably has more need of such a thing. "I've lived this long without needing too much money" explains a very relaxed and content Mr. Schoune. "I don't see how I could just up and change how I've always lived after so long."
The events and people described above are fictional. Any resemblance to actual people or events is only coincidence.
Yeah, I'm not sure what it means either.
Let's see what's in the news.
City boy learns that one man's garbage really is another man's gold. It seems that while young Alex Douglas was playing with a few of his friends in the ally behind his New York apartment, where he lives with his mother and 5-year old sister, he happened upon a solid gold book end. The owner of the high price paper-weight claims that he didn't realize this nick-knack was of any real value. He simply assumed that since it's matching counterpart was no where to be found, there was no point in keeping the piece of junk around. "When I found it among my wife's things in the attic" recalls the 73-year old widower Hank Schoune "I figured it was just as much useless junk as the rest of her things. She was a terrible pack-rat, don't you know. She kept every little trinket she came by."
As far as the fate of the bookend is concerned, Hank has decided that Whiteney Douglas--Alex's mother--probably has more need of such a thing. "I've lived this long without needing too much money" explains a very relaxed and content Mr. Schoune. "I don't see how I could just up and change how I've always lived after so long."
The events and people described above are fictional. Any resemblance to actual people or events is only coincidence.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
"I'm Dis Many Yeaws Ow'd"
I'm not the person I once was. This is a fact of life that ought to be a no-brainer. There are so many little things about a person that change every day, even every minute.
But this is a profound truth for me right now:
I am not the person I once was.
This is an important fact for a few reasons. The main reason being that I have never had, for as long as I can remember, an image of myself that depicted me as I was at the time. For a great deal of the last 9 years I have seen myself as a nine-year-old. Only in the last couple years have I finally started to see myself a little older than that.
Just this evening I took a moment to think about how I see myself now. My personal assessment was that I see myself as a 16-17 year-old. Granted, this is a great improvement from nine. But it's still not who I am now.
There have been a few times this last year when I went to bed and just lay there wondering why I am here, why am I in college, living in this room. It just doesn't line up with my image of myself. I'm not old enough to be living on my own. I'm not old enough for all this responsibility. I'm not ready for this. I can't make this work. Not as I see me.
This is of course a grand testament to how much I underestimate myself. Because I am here. I am on my own...to a degree. I am making this work.
Realising this has caused me to think about how I see myself and question my assessments. I realize that I make a lot of judgements of myself based on my past, and that's okay. That's all I know of myself so far. I don't have anything else to work with. But at this point in my life I have acquired enough history that there are some aspects of me that have become out dated; things that were true of me at one time, but that no longer are.
Thus, I am not the same person I once was.
A lot has changed just in the last two years, not to mention the last five or ten years.
I literally
walk different,
talk different,
stand different,
act different,
look different,
laugh different,
think different,
sing different,
work different.
I am not the same person I once was.
There are some things that haven't changed. Some things will never change. Like where I find my salvation, security and purpose. Also the facts that I still live in a 2-D world, I am still left handed and I still enjoy making music.
But this is a profound truth for me right now:
I am not the person I once was.
This is an important fact for a few reasons. The main reason being that I have never had, for as long as I can remember, an image of myself that depicted me as I was at the time. For a great deal of the last 9 years I have seen myself as a nine-year-old. Only in the last couple years have I finally started to see myself a little older than that.
Just this evening I took a moment to think about how I see myself now. My personal assessment was that I see myself as a 16-17 year-old. Granted, this is a great improvement from nine. But it's still not who I am now.
There have been a few times this last year when I went to bed and just lay there wondering why I am here, why am I in college, living in this room. It just doesn't line up with my image of myself. I'm not old enough to be living on my own. I'm not old enough for all this responsibility. I'm not ready for this. I can't make this work. Not as I see me.
This is of course a grand testament to how much I underestimate myself. Because I am here. I am on my own...to a degree. I am making this work.
Realising this has caused me to think about how I see myself and question my assessments. I realize that I make a lot of judgements of myself based on my past, and that's okay. That's all I know of myself so far. I don't have anything else to work with. But at this point in my life I have acquired enough history that there are some aspects of me that have become out dated; things that were true of me at one time, but that no longer are.
Thus, I am not the same person I once was.
A lot has changed just in the last two years, not to mention the last five or ten years.
I literally
walk different,
talk different,
stand different,
act different,
look different,
laugh different,
think different,
sing different,
work different.
I am not the same person I once was.
There are some things that haven't changed. Some things will never change. Like where I find my salvation, security and purpose. Also the facts that I still live in a 2-D world, I am still left handed and I still enjoy making music.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
This is it. I'm heading back to school in a couple days; Monday to be exact. Chances are I won't be posting tomorrow. So, I figure I'll get something in right now. This has been a good break. Lord knows I've been a lot more productive this winter break than I was last year. On the one hand I don't mentally feel bad for wasting so much time. On the other hand I don't feel physically like a lethargic sloth. Suffice it to say, I had a good winter break, and I'm ready to go on with life.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)